Feb. 8, 2023
Andrea Wilson Woods - Self-Care for the Cancer Caregiver
Are you a female entrepreneur and also a caregiver for a cancer patient? Is it possible to care for your loved one and have boundaries?
On this episode of the Wellness and Wealth podcast, Andrea Wilson Woods of Cancer University addresses what self-care looks like when caring for someone with cancer and after. She’ll also share how she learned in her forties that self-care is prioritizing your needs before others.
In this episode, Andrea Wilson Woods answers the following questions:
- What does self-care mean to her?
- What was the catalyst for realizing you needed to care for yourself first?
- What is the first warning sign you are not taking care of yourself because you are too busy taking care of others?
- How does one not lose themself while taking care of a loved one with cancer?
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Transcript
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Hi everyone.
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My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast.
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I'm so happy to have you find us.
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And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it.
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This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business.
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So sit back, relax.
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And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you.
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Have a great day.
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Stay blessed.
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And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much.
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Hi everyone.
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Today's topic is Self-Care for Female Entrepreneurs, and we're with Andrea Wilson Woods and I'm gonna read our bio and of course we're gonna get right into it.
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Andrea Wilson Woods is a writer who loves to tell stories and a patient advocate who founded the nonprofit.
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Blue Ferry, the Adrian Wilson Liver Cancer Association.
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Andrea is the CEO and Co-founder of Cancer University, a for-profit social impact digital health company.
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Her bestselling award-winning book, better Off Bald A Life in hundred 47 Days as a medical memoir about raising and losing her sister to a liver cancer.
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So welcome, Andrea.
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Thank you so much for being with us.
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Oh, thank you, Wendy.
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You know, I adore you.
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So in all fairness to the listeners, Andrea and I have a little bit of a history, cuz actually I've been on her podcast as a childhood cancer survivor.
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And it was actually the first interview I had ever done about my cancer.
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So, when I was thinking of guest for this show, I knew that I had to have you on because of your history with your sister.
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And, we always talk about self-care in so many levels here, and I know that there are entrepreneurs out there who have loved ones who have cancer and still trying to run a business.
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But before we get into all of that, the question I ask every guest as far as their topic is, what does self-care mean to you?
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It means making yourself a priority and I think that is really hard to do for most women, and I think it's really hard to do for women who are parents, whether you are a biological mother or in my case, I raised my sister, your tendency is to put other people first.
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And self-care starts with making yourself a priority and giving yourself the time.
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How it actually looks is different for everyone.
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I so agree with that.
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Everybody is so different for what self-care looks like, but it's about finding what works for you.
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And I think even that there's a journey within finding what works for you
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Yes, there is.
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It does not happen overnight.
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does not happen overnight.
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Well, and to that point, can you share a bit about what it looked like for you, and where you were at your life that you made the decision to put yourself first
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I am really sorry to say that that didn't happen until my forties when I was raising my sister in my twenties.
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She was my number one priority.
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And then in my thirties I was married and in many ways my marriage, I don't wanna say my husband is an individual, but my marriage, what we had was a priority, and it wasn't until even before I left that marriage, but I had left Los Angeles and I needed a change of scenery and a lot of people didn't understand it.
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I had been in LA my whole adult life, but I wasn't from there and that was the beginning of me trying to figure out one, if I even liked myself and loved myself, and two, slowly starting to implement self-care practices.
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Some that are daily, some that are a couple times a week, some that are weekly, but it took time.
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That's the other thing I feel.
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Sometimes people try to start new habits overnight, and that's not how something becomes a habit.
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It takes time.
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Yeah.
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And most people don't eat a whole apple at once.
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They take a bite.
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Ooh.
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Good analogy.
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Yeah.
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And I don't wanna say I started necessarily in my forties, I think the last few years, especially with Covid has really solidified how important self-care is.
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Because I've had some life-changing events in the last year where I lost somebody very close to me and that raised me and suddenly I was like, oh, I take care of everyone else.
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and am an Entrepreneur.
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And I think for women there is this ideology we're supposed to be heroes and we wear so many hats.
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We wear so many that we forget to put ourselves first.
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And learning how to do that, but then it's not selfish to do that.
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Yeah.
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And for me, I know it goes back further than that because I'm really working on these aspects now.
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And even though I was in therapy years ago, I don't really think we touched on very much that my mother, more so than my dad ever did.
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But my mother turned me into a parent at a very young age.
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And from the time I was nine, 10 years old, I was the parent in the relationship.
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And if that is how you're raised, you don't know any different.
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You really don't.
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And so my norm, in relationships and that includes romance and friends, was to be the end all be all for that person, or at least try to be.
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And sometimes you end up helping people who don't wanna be helped.
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It took a long time to figure that out.
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It really did.
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I attracted so many men that needed help and needed to be fixed.
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And maybe subconsciously wanted to be fixed, but certainly not consciously.
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And I was a good fixer.
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I was good at taking care of people and I was also good at covering up their mistakes too.
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And it's so interesting that you say that you, learned this later, cuz I'm a big believer life is lived forward, and learned backwards.
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And you're sharing about your story it reminded of when my parents divorced when I.
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Six.
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They separated, I should say, I don't remember having to take on a parent role, but I had a really good friend down the street.
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We were best friends.
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We were both born on the same day, and his father left maybe two months after my dad left.
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I don't know.
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It was, it's when you're six time was still abstract, but I remember thinking like all of a sudden I needed to take care of him and be, make sure he was okay.
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because his parent has left and it was like something switched in me that it was more important to take care of him than take care of myself about this.
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And I don't know if that was something innate that I had, but I was like, I have something to focus on.
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And I also think that's the thing about self-care is sometimes it's uncomfortable to focus on yourself, so easier to focus on somebody else.
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Oh, that's such a great point, it really is.
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One of my dad's favorite stories about me, and this is before my parents got divorced, was.
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That I lived in this cul-de-sac, in a smaller town in western Arkansas.
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And again, this is, my parents were still married long before my sister was born.
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And every Saturday morning my dad would said as he was going off to play golf, I would have all the neighborhood kids younger and older than me together in a circle.
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And I was.
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This is what we're going to do today, so it was a combination of being a little bossy, but also I was, I truly was the organizer.
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I was the leader.
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I was the person people came to for things.
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And it's interesting because there's this wonderful woman, she was the parent of a friend of mine who was my age, and I think she really saw that in me, and she saw that.
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I needed more.
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And she was so encouraging, and we are still in touch.
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We lost touch for a long time, but we're still in touch to this day.
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And she was one of the parents I felt did not shame me or my brother when my parents got divorced because we were the only kids and the whole cul-de-sac whose parents were divorced.
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And I, and it was embarrassing.
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It truly was.
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And I'm digressing quite a bit,
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I understand that feeling because my parents were the first kids to get to divorce in my whole school.
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I understand that feeling.
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Wow.
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There's a great article, this was years ago and in the week, which I don't read anymore, but it is a good magazine and it was, I thought it was so telling.
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It said, If you were a baby boomer.
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Now, if you're a very young baby boomer, this might not be true.
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So sorry for the people on the cusp, but you remember where you were when you heard that JFK got shot.
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If you're a millennial, you remember where you were when you heard that Osama bin was dead.
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Because if you think about it, they didn't really grow up with a time where they didn't know what happened.
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Do you know what I mean?
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Millennials being born between like 1980 and 2000, but if you're Gen Xer, which is what I am.
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How old were you when your parents got a divorce?
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Because Gen Xers were really the first generation where divorce became prevalent.
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Yeah.
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And that makes sense.
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Wow.
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And I was actually doing a Gen X thing looking for marketing stuff the other day of how we buy and what social media sites we were on.
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And that's really an interesting thing because, We spread to ourselves out more than anybody else out of all of the other generations.
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Oh yeah.
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We were the latchkey kids.
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Absolutely.
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I mean, you look at some of the most successful people in the world today, and they're Gen Xers.
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And that's an interesting thing too, because when you think about it, is in one way it made us learn how to grow up and take care of ourselves and others, but in another way, I think there's, at least for me, I know for myself, it has stunted me in other areas because there wasn't any sort of balance between the two.
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There's a great book called Boundaries that someone recommended to me, gosh, less than eight years ago.
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and I didn't read it right away.
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I only read it I think in the last two years.
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And I would recommend that to just about anyone, even if you think your childhood was perfect.
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Because maybe your boundary issues are only in your professional life.
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And that book really helped me understand how my childhood set me up to not have appropriate boundaries.
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With people In my personal life, in my professional life, I was pretty good with boundaries.
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Not always, but pretty good.
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But in my personal life, I wasn't.
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I wasn't, and that always surprises people.
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I know I'm a really strong personality, but in my personal life I.
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I look back now and I'm okay with it now, but I look back now and think, wow, if I had said what I was really thinking, I wouldn't have stayed friends with that person for over a decade.
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You know what I mean?
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But I didn't know.
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When you grow up without boundaries or at least appropriate ones, you don't know.
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And I think there's been a thing like, be nice to everybody.
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That has been passed through generations and you shouldn't not be nice.
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That's not what I'm advocating just saying that, but not to the point where it hurts you.
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And I think that's where the boundary issues of our childhood started.
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it was be nice.
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And it was like, well why are we being nice?
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They're not really nice, but you were supposed to be nice anyway.
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And it's taken me years to say I could be nice, but I don't have to stand there either.
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Like I can walk away.
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Which is the really I think the key difference is I don't think I'm ever, not nice, but I'm also not tolerant of bad behavior toward me anymore.
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And that's all part of self-care.
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I always say, self-care has so many layers.
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And just the ability to be like, we can disagree, that's great, but I don't have to stand here and be uncomfortable about it either.
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That is like your choice to the point you were making to earlier too, is that there are people on, and I really, the longer that I am on this earth, the more I realize this, there are people in every stage of life, and some of them want help, some of them don't.
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And I don't have to take any of it personally, it's just where they're at.
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That's right, the four agreements, man, I've got them right here on my computer.
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And the second one is, don't take anything personally.
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It's so true.
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Don't take anything personally.
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It's not easy to implement.
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Don't get me wrong.
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It's not, that's hards not, but don't take things personally.
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I recently had something happen in the last month where, a good friend of mine and I had just seen her too in person for my.
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I'll say it on your podcast for my 50th birthday.
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So I only celebrate the birthdays ending in zero ever since my sister died, and this was only the third one since that time.
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And a whole bunch of girlfriends met me in Vegas and it was amazing.
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Like it was exactly what I wanted for the big five.
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So I'd just seen her and she's I wanna say almost inadvertently dumped something on my lap.
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I saw something I thought she'd be interested in it.
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And she was like, you just go ahead and do it for me.
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And I was pissed, but I almost did it.
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Because I'm that person.
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And I'm so used to being that person.
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And I just took a step back and I thought, she's a grownup.
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She can handle this.
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I can be honest with her and that's what I did.
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So I left her a voicemail.
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I was very careful with my words, but honest.
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and I didn't do anything accusing, like you, you, you, I used the I words, but I was very clear.
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I said, I feel like da, da da.
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And I just, and at the end I said, it's not my responsibility to do this for you.
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I just thought it was something you'd be interested in.
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If you're not, that's okay too.
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Doesn't bother me either way, but it's not my responsibility.
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And she handled it beautifully.
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But she's a grownup who's done a lot of work on herself.
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And that situations like that, growing up in my teens and my twenties, where something would get dumped on my lap and people would dump it on my lap because they knew I would take care of it.
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Because I always took care of it.
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And I'm getting much better at saying that's not okay.
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Or it's just not my job.
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It's not.
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And to that point, There was a phase in my life that I felt like I was going through, and it was like that saying, which now I hear that saying, and I'm like, Ugh.
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What, what is it?
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And the saying is when you want something done, give it to the busiest person and they'll get it done.
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It's true.
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It is true.
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Because we don't know how to say no.
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That's right.
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So when my son was small, I was in the PTA and I was helping my husband run a nonprofit and I had my business and everybody was like, oh, give it to Wendy, she'll get it done.
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And there was truth to it, but I didn't realize I was burning myself out either.
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There is truth to that.
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But on the other side of that is that when you're not careful, you don't even see how you're burning yourself out while you're taking care of what other people.
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Don't take care of it.
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And there's a really good friend of mine, and he said this to me years ago.
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Somebody asked him for something and it was like, this urgent thing.
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And I was like, what do you mean you're not gonna go do that for them?
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And he's like, no, their emergency is not mine just because of their poor planning.
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It blew my mind.
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I was like, What do you mean their poor planning isn't your emergencies?
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He said to me, This is what I can do, and if they can't do it within those constraints because they chose to wait till last minute.
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That's really not my responsibility.
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And I was like,
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your face.
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I wish people could see your face.
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I wanna add too, it's a work in progress.
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I did that with my friend.
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It went beautifully.
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It was great.
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Just a few months before, I had gotten really sick the very last day of a conference, and I think it was one of my first in-person conferences since Covid, not my very first, but certainly a large one, over 25,000 people in person.
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And I knew I was really sick and I don't complain and I don't get sick like that.
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Now, why?
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I didn't think it was Covid.
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I don't know, but and I had one day in between this one conference and then the second conference where I was speaking in Paris and this was a conference that was supposed to happen, two years prior, canceled, multiple times and finally it was gonna happen.
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Well, if it had just been me, I felt good enough, and this is where professionally I can stand up for myself.
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I would've just, let the conference coordinators know that I can't be there.
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I could try to zoom in for my little talk, but I just can't go.
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And unfortunately though, or fortunately, My stepmother and I had planned to do this as a girls trip as well, and so we were both flying into Atlanta and then had a direct fly from Atlanta to Paris and we had tacked on a couple of days after the conference to have some fun in Paris and I called her that one day in between, I called her to let her know and I could not say no to her, and I'm not gonna regret it because I can't look back.
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But I could hear the hurt in her voice and how upset she was, and she had been looking forward to the trip for two years and yada, yada, yada.
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And so I made a huge mistake and I went on this trip.
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The following day, I went and as soon as she saw me in the Atlanta airport where we met up at our gate, she took one look at me.
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I hadn't said a word yet, and she said, oh my God, just looking at me.
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And I was sick the entire time.
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I did test positive for Covid and I was very fortunate.
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I like to think the universe was looking out for me because at that time there was a restriction or regulation in place where you had to have a negative COVID test from a pharmacy before you could fly back to the U.S.
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And I was still testing positive and it was just such a miserable trip, it was just, was not good across the board.
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We travel fine together, but it was not good.
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And I was so fortunate because we were thinking, oh my God, I'm gonna get stuck in Paris.
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We were like, what's gonna happen?
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Well, that requirement got not even waived, got eliminated on Sunday at midnight.
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Paris time and our flight left Tuesday morning, early.
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Early.
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So I got so fortunate because I'm not sure by Monday afternoon if I would've tested, negative or not.
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