Natasha Bryant - Living A Self-Love Lifestyle Through Defeating Negative Self-Talk

Natasha Bryant

[00:00:00] Wendy Manganaro: Hi everyone. My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast. I'm so happy to have you find us. And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it. This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business. 

So sit back, relax. And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you. Have a great day. Stay blessed. And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much. 

[00:00:38] Wendy: Hi everyone! As always, I'm excited to have you and our guest here. So lets get right into the show. Today we have Natasha Bryant. I will tell you a little about her and why I'm excited to have her on. 

Her bio is quite extensive. Natasha is a licensed clinical social worker and ceo of Speak Life Transformation LLC. She's on a mission to help women and teen girls unapologetically develop a powerful self-identity and an undefeated confident mindset. Having worked 14 plus years in the field of social work, providing mental health services within the Philadelphia public schools and outpatient settings.

She has helped individuals to overcome issues related to anxiety, depression, and attachment trauma. Natasha has a passion to expand mental health and wellness, education and services beyond the walls of the therapy office Speak Life Transformation offers mental health counseling to individuals and couples.

Mental health Wellness consultation to schools through school-based trauma informed care, and to small businesses through corporate mental wellness care. Natasha has been featured in major publications such as Psych Central, Choosing Therapy and Bustle as an expert contributor.

She is an author of a confidence coach, psychotherapist and peace promoter. She is a self proclaimed foodie, travel enthusiast, hope dealer, and cool auntie. Welcome Natasha. How are you today? 

[00:02:03] Natasha Bryant: I'm good. Thank you Wendy for having me.

[00:02:06] Wendy: Thank you. And I love we are going to talk about negative self-talk. And how it can lead to all sorts of unbalance in our life. So many people deal with this all over. And then entrepreneurship brings that whole new bubble of self-talk that could be negative. So in your experience, what is negative self-talk? 

[00:02:23] Natasha Bryant: Negative self-talk I describe it as that inner bully. I describe it as that naysayer, the doubter, the heckler that we all have in our heads and it's causing, us to focus on the negative.

It's causing us to focus on the bad of a situation. It's causing us to cast fear and doubt in our abilities and what we can handle. It's causing us to even make rash decisions, sometimes impulsive decisions out of those different emotions that we're experiencing. And it also causes a snowball effect, where we have the one negative self-talk and then it builds on another, and then it ends up magnifying the situation and making the situation appear way worse than what it is.

And so it causes you to go into this deep, dark space about your situation. Having you believe that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

[00:03:16] Wendy: I've been there, but I've also seen it happen to other people and in my experience, it's because they have talked to no one else except their own thought.

 Am I correct about this? There's this thing that you start with, and once you get to that deep, dark place, or even in that circular motion it's like the more you talk to yourself and that negativity, the less you go to anybody.

[00:03:35] Natasha Bryant: It becomes very loud to the point where that's all you can hear.

And the strategies I teach my clients is how to not get rid of self because we're gonna have negative self talk. We have positive and negative. We talked to ourselves all the time. I think. A data I recently read was we have over 6,000 thoughts a day and so with all the thoughts we have, there are gonna be some that are great.

There are gonna be some that are not so great. There's gonna be some that's encouraging, there's gonna be some that's discouraging. And so it's not even about getting rid of it cause it's gonna pop up cuz we're human. But it's about how do I silence it? How do I make the volume of this negative self-talk go down so that the positive self-talk, the inner coach within me is able to quiet down the inner critic within.

[00:04:17] Wendy: That's amazing that we have 6,000 thoughts a day. We're very busy-minded people. But there's stigma for a long time that there was something wrong with you to have 6,000 thoughts. There's been a negativity to it this buck up attitude of what's wrong with you for thinking that way? If we can delve into that a little bit. 

[00:04:34] Natasha Bryant: That's so true. I tell my clients all the time, you have to talk back to yourself. I actually created a workbook called the Self Talk Back Workbook because if we don't talk back to ourselves and we allow that spiral to happen, then we're gonna be stuck in that spiral. Another terminology they use is a feedback loop. And so if we don't stop that feedback loop, we don't talk back to that feedback loop, then the loop is gonna constantly messaging this negative point of view of the world of yourself.

Yes. The idea that, oh, thinking that you talk to yourself sounds makes you crazy. It's no, we have over 6,000 thoughts a day, and most of them is us talking to ourselves like, What I wanna eat today? Do I wanna eat that? I can't believe this person said that to me. This is ridiculous. How long I have to wait in this line?

Oh my goodness. All those thoughts are things that we're saying to ourselves and many times we're not even aware of them. But becoming more self aware of your thoughts is so important cuz then you can catch when you decided to hold onto a negative talk and be able to push it aside.

And when there is a positive of self-talk coming through and you can hold that instead. So the \ over the 6,000 thoughts we have most are fleeting. They're just in and out. And so it's all about which ones are you choosing to hold onto and keep, because we pick and choose which ones we're gonna actually hold on and believe and focus on.

Maybe even obsess over. And so it's, which ones are those going to be? 

[00:06:05] Wendy: I just had this question as you're talking pop into my head. How much do you think is other people's voices from the past and how much is you?

How do you learn how to differentiate the voices? For Instance, teachers told me I could never write and that I should never write. And I write for a living now.

How do you differ? In the back of my head I was like, Oh my gosh, they're all going to hate it when I first started writing, I began to take on what other people told me as a truth, and then that becomes part of my self-talk.

[00:06:32] Natasha Bryant: That's such a great question. I'm so glad you asked that question because it is a really important point or concept to understand.

Our thoughts are examples. Or it gives us the notion of how we're perceiving the world. And so how we perceive the world is all learned behavior from our experiences or it could be us, our personal experience, or we might have witnessed somebody else's experience and we're like, Ooh, don't wanna do that again.

Or definitely wanna do that. And so it's all about our experiences. We learn from behavior. And so messaging that ends up becoming our core belief, part of our core value system is messaging that we've repeatedly heard over and over again, or we may not have heard it over and over again, but it has such a strong emotional impact on us, good or bad, that we've end up holding onto that as our belief system.

And one way to know if what you're believing is actually your thoughts or if it's somebody else's that you've now made your own is asking yourself, Who said that? Literally ask yourself who said that? Who said that you're not a good writer, and I'm sure you can go right to that person.

Such and such said that about me. That's why I think I'm not gonna be able to go writer. She said it to me every time. Every time she gave me feedback on my papers. That was what she said. So I assumed that's what it must be.

Or if you have a fear of something and you're like, Oh, I really shouldn't go to this neighborhood because it's gonna be scary. Have you ever been to Neighborhood? No. Or if you have been to Neighborhood, has anything happened to you? No. Who said that? Oh my aunt, she said never go there.

Anytime we rode past that exit, or anytime we rode past the neighborhood, she gave these horrible stories. So I just. Assumed I should be scared about it. Cause she was scared about it. And then before, you're taking on other people's fears, you're taking on other people's opinions of you, and now you're allowing other people's fears to become your own.

Now you're allowing other people to define your worth in value. So asking yourself that question who said that? And actually of trace back to the original source of where you received that belief. 

[00:08:32] Wendy: I love that, especially when it comes to fears.

You know, I'm thinking social media, that who says it. And suddenly it becomes a belief system from people we have yet to meet or know. 

I used to do people's social media, and I had a singer and this young lady would write the singer on Twitter daily. . And if he was doing a show, he'd hire me. Otherwise, he'd be less consistent on it and I felt so bad because when I wasn't doing their stuff, she would wonder what's wrong with me because he was not answering.

[00:09:01] Natasha Bryant: In my self-talk back workbook, I talk about 13 different types of self-talk that are negative self-talk that can increase the anxiety and or depression, right? And then I give strategies on how to actually talk back to yourself, talk and reframe, change up your thinking.

The self talks that's coming to mind and what you're talking about is unfavorable comparisons and social media does that a lot. Where we find ourselves comparing ourselves and the reason why it's called unfavorable comparisons. Cause it's not nice comparisons, It's not putting yourself in favor, it's you minimizing your own worth and value cuz you're comparing yourself to somebody else.

So you're like I did get this award, but Sophia over here got the same accomplishment and she got all this great feedback. So it's not as good as Sophia's. Or you're comparing yourself to what you don't have compared to what somebody else has. And then the whole entire time you're diminishing or minimizing your own worth and value because you're comparing somebody else's success, accomplishments, lifestyle to your own and making it seem like there's a so much more. There's so much better and more value to it compared to your own. And then before you know it, the self talk is maybe I should do what they're doing? Or maybe I should have made that decision like she did.

Or you end up becoming an expert on how somebody else is living, cuz you're thinking if I do exactly what they did, then I'll be able to get the success that I want, or the success like them. And then you do exactly what somebody else did. It doesn't work or it does work, but you still don't feel satisfied because it really was for somebody else's life not your own. The self-talk is saying, This is what you're supposed to be doing. You should be doing this, you should be doing that. You must do this, you must do that. And that's another type of self-talk that should thoughts. And those should thoughts create this mandate.

And nobody else created a mandate. Nobody's saying, this is how you should be living, but because of what you're observing; goes back to what I was saying, how behavior influences behavior. I'm observing how, oh, people respond well when I do this, or I've seen people get a more positive feedback when they act that way, so maybe that's how I should be acting. And then it becomes this mandate or this rule that you get to follow. And a lot of times it causes anxiety depression or anger, frustration, Overwhelmingness. Cause we feel like we have to do it because if I wanna have this certain type of outcome, this positive outcome, this is what I should be doing.

And then we end up living a life based on other people's opinions, how other people are living, the fear of disappointing, or not pleasing.

[00:11:29] Wendy: And that was the next question I was going go into. You started to describe the long-term effects of negative self-talk. How can that manifest? I heard you say some of them are depression and anxiety, but are there other ways? Such as a lack mindset or something consistently wrong. Or negative questionsl ike why does this always happen to me? I would assume long-term when we start to beat ourselves up to that point and can't break that cycle So, it must manifest in other ways. 

[00:11:57] Natasha Bryant: Yeah. I mentioned before, anxiety and depression it can manifest anxiety because depending on what's driving the negative self-talk, it can cause anxiety because of how overwhelming it feels to constantly trying to perform at a certain level.

If your self-talk focused on perfectionism and making you feel like you have to be perfect all the time, then it can cause this constant level of anxiety of not performing or not being enough. I have to excel or exceed at this certain level. It would cause this level of racing thoughts where you're constantly trying to prepare, plan, predict what's going to happen so that you don't have this negative thing happening.

And that's where the anxiety comes. It triggers depression especially if you're dwelling on the negative, that's another type of self-talk dwelling on the negative. You're constantly focusing on negative. It's hard to see the good and so life just seems very gloomy.

It feels very discouraging. Also, if you're thinking you're not enough, that can feel very discouraging and cause depression. And so when you are having a lot of those racing thoughts too, because it's overwhelming cuz anxiety and depression is What comes first, The chicken or the egg?

That's how the anxiety depression is. For many people it's is it the anxiety that's the triggering the depression or is it depression that's the triggering and anxiety and it really could go either way to be honest. Another way it can manifest is

ever heard someone say, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm just preparing for the worst so I can be ready if the worst ever happens. And that's part of that dwelling and the negative where the person, it's hard for them to see the positive cause they're so nervous that.

If I allow myself to accept it as positivity, then I'll make myself vulnerable to be disappointed. That's the point of view. And so they end up living a life full of this negative outlook that nothing's gonna go well. If it does go well, it's gonna be robbed from me, so I'm not even gonna even try.

So those are some examples of how it can manifest in how you see the world your relationships. If you're worried about pleasing people, you're constantly trying to get happiness through pleasing and making sure that everybody else is happy with you. If they're happy with me, then that determines that I'm a good person.

So you're constantly putting other people first before your own, because the self talk is saying, You gotta please other people. That's where you get your validation from. Those are some examples. can go on and on, but those are some examples of how it can manifest long term. 

[00:14:19] Wendy: Yeah. And I've seen it and I'm always impressed with therapists who work in this field every day, it can be draining.

 And you don't realize, when you're not in that place and you go near people who are in this constant, everything's wrong all of a sudden, you can start to go, maybe everything is wrong, or you walk away. 

And I do have a follow up question to that. Again and I wonder if there's a correlation. Would we talk about physical illness or even addictions? 

[00:14:43] Natasha Bryant: What you said exhausting is so true. Not even just for the other person, but for the person experiencing it. It's very tiring. Some it impacts sleep, so it's, It can be hard for somebody to fall asleep because their mind is constantly racing, or it can be hard for someone to stay asleep, so they might fall asleep, but then they wake up in the middle of the night, so insomnia.

Very real when it comes to racing thoughts and this really loud, negative self-talk. It can impact high stress levels cuz your cortisone is, On high alert all the time, your stress hormones, especially if it's like this fear, right? You're coming from a very fear per like fear of disappointing.

Fear of failing. Fear of things going wrong. Your stress hormones are on all the time, which your body's thinking is a threat all the time. If you're body thinking it's a threat, then it's gonna release all the hormones to try to protect you from the threat, which then causes your body to overwork longer than your body is built to do.

So some people might have like stomach aches, headaches. Migraines It can cause somebody to sleep a lot. It can be the opposite where you just wanna sleep. It can impact your appetite. 

So those are a few of the different physical conditions that you can have due to the stress. That's what it is. It causes a lot of stress, and then your body is overworking, trying to stabilize itself in the midst of that 

stress. 

[00:16:01] Wendy: Yeah, I can see where that would manifest; suddenly you're exhausted or like, what is going on with me?

 Where you take on more and you're like, I don't understand. I used to be able to do all this stuff . 

[00:16:09] Natasha Bryant: Another area too is you just reminded me of being able to concentrate and focus.

So because you're overthinking so much or your mind is racing so much, it's hard to be in the present. And so you can easily forget things. You easily distracted. It's hard for you to focus and concentrate cuz you're having this cognitive weariness happening where your brain is exhausted.

Especially if you're not getting sleep as well. Cause it's impacting your sleep. So imagine your mind is racing. You're not getting enough sleep, right? That's definitely gonna impact your eating habits, your ability to focus and concentrate, your ability to be able to relax. Your at a hyper state at all times.

[00:16:49] Wendy: It makes A lot of sense. If I have one of those days where I'm like, Oh, a project, and I have to get this done, the harder it becomes.

For female entrepreneurs how can loving yourself and putting yourself first, help you show up better for your business?

Because I think sometimes we have a disconnect, especially and quite true, there's many giving people in the world, but women are primarily givers . It's how we are. And , it's harder for us, especially with the self-talk.

So in the idea of switching the language that we speak to ourselves how does that help us show up better for our businesses? 

[00:17:21] Natasha Bryant: I really love this question. I recently did a a series that was how to put yourself first without the Guilt, and it was a three workshop series.

One of the workshop series was specifically about self-love boundaries because part of being able to show up for yourself is being able to say no or set boundaries that is needed so you can make time to show up for yourself. Often as entrepreneurs, we will be so focused on the business that we don't even make time for ourselves.

And so even when you're talking about the giving piece, even if it's just also giving to our business, giving all the time and energy, especially if you're a solo entrepreneur. And you're giving so much time and you're like, Oh, I gotta stay up late cause I gotta finish this, or I gotta get this done.

And time is gone by and you're wondering why you have a headache. You're wondering why you're cranky. It's Oh wait, I didn't even eat today. I totally forgot to have lunch. Or Oh, I'm supposed to cook. I don't even have time to cook. I'm gonna eat this bag of chips. And we don't end up taking care of ourselves.

I was talking with a group yesterday about how we often engage in self care sabotage. The way we can sabotage our self care is by looking at self care as something that's deserved. I have to earn this self care. When I get all these tasks done for my business that's when I can earn to take some vacation time. Or I should not be spending money on this self care. I could be using that money to pay for this towards my business, because we process it as a form of a leisure as something that we deserve. Cause. Quote unquote, productive is not bringing out outcomes for our business or outcomes for checking off something on our to-do list. And so it ends up being seen as something that's dessert. I'm even guilty of it. Last month I planned a a solo work retreat because I was just high stress for my business and personal stuff.

I was like, I need to get away. So I did. I planned a weekend retreat. At a lake cabin and I recognized this is what I need. I need time alone even for me to reset my mind about my business for the next quarter. And then when it was time for me to pay, I was thinking, I shouldn't spend money on this.

I could be using this to get like some marketing supports. And I had to check myself like, Wait, I'm about to sabotage my entire self care plan because now I'm questioning. Do I deserve to pay for this? Is this worth the money? I was like, Yes, it's worth the money. I can't be the best business woman I want to be if I'm stressed and I'm not able to focus.

This is supposed to help me reframe, refresh, restart, renew myself as a business woman, as a person, so that I can show up best for myself. So I think recognizing. Are you sabotaging your self care because you're seeing it as something you deserve? Something that's like at the, not as necessary.

It's not something that's gonna produce something. And so it doesn't really count. I gotta put that at the last of my list. And if you are. Then bringing it back to the top. At the end of the day, you need self care just as much as you need anything else because eating, sleeping, that is self care.

So you think about what self care is, the necessities you need to function, sleep, eat, exercise, go to the bathroom, right? Those are all forms of self care, . And so looking at self care as a necessity instead of as something that's deserved or earned or, a bonus for your day.

Can really help you begin to start that self love piece and putting yourself first. 

[00:20:48] Wendy: I love the idea that self care is not something you deserve. And I'm the one You said is like that whole eating thing.

It'll be hours in and I don't know why I'm ready to kill everybody. you mentioned, a self-care plan. If I plan everything for my business, my family, wouldn't we give ourselves a plan? And put us on the top of the list. 

[00:21:06] Natasha Bryant: In the mental health field, we have something called a safety plan. That safety plan is for someone who is in danger of harming themselves and others. So as a proactive way to help this person understand, it helps the person identify triggers. Let them know that they're about to reach a space of depression that will lead to suicidal thoughts. And then putting strategies in place to help deescalate that so it doesn't escalate to where you actually file through on any suicidal thoughts or homicidal thoughts.

It's the same thing. And that's a necessity, because we don't want the person, or we don't want this person to actually follow through and then harm themselves or others. And a self care plan is just as much a necessity in a sense what are the signs? What are your triggers or your signs that your body is telling you?

I need to engage in self care. Are you feeling cranky? Do you, are you having a headache? Are you getting stomach cramps? Are you becoming irritable? Do you find yourself snapping on people? Maybe you're falling asleep. Maybe your energy is getting so low, you're starting to fall asleep.

What are those signs? And then thinking about, okay, what are things I could do on my own? That's one level. What kind of self care I can do on my own where I can take a nap, I can read a book, I can listen to music. 

The second part would be where, are places I can go who are who I would hang out with that would help me with my self care? So think about those places, those people. And the third area then is specifically like if you really, wanna connect like person to person.

Who is that person or persons that you would want to actually like physically connect with that really gives you that level of self care. If you need someone to talk to, then maybe you're really stressed and you just really need to talk to somebody. Who is that person that can help you as you exercise at this level of self care?

And so coming up with your own self care plan. Is so important. And then also if you forget or don't know what to do, you have on a card or you put on a note on your phone you can go refer back to it and say, Okay, what did I say my selfcare plan was? For when I'm experiencing these different signs. 

[00:23:06] Wendy: And I like that because when you have it pre-planned.

This is how I'm feeling. I've identified this and now I can do something about it. I love that idea so I can't believe we've been chatting so long, but I have one last question I'm always about mindful solution and but for those who are just realizing, how negative they are. So once you realize it, like what is the first step in moving away from that?

[00:23:29] Natasha Bryant: Yeah. I would say the first step in being able to move towards. That self love and talk is to create new messaging. So what I mean by that is if you're recognizing that you're often critical on yourself when you make a mistake, ah, and most people recognize that they might not know, they may not label it as negative self talk, but that's negative self talk.

When you're thinking yourself, I can't believe I made that mistake. I'm so stupid. Get it together. Or I have to get this done. If I don't get this done, then it's gonna fail and there's nothing's gonna work out. So one recognizing. You know what that negative self-talk is and then create a message to say back to it and then practice saying that message back. So if the critical self-talk is, I'm always making mistakes, right? Let's just say that's the, you made a mistake and that's what you end up saying to yourself. Having a response you could say back people make mistakes. It's okay.

Everybody makes a mistake and that's okay. So creating different mantras, mantras, or phrases. Creating a phrase that you can say back to yourself. You can write it on a post-it and post it somewhere on in, where it's like where you see on a regular, like on your bathroom mirror or in your, on your office wall.

Where you can refer back to that. I I have clients who do that sometimes. They create a new mantra every day. So each day, just a different mantra that they use throughout the day to replace any negative self talk. Sometimes they have mantras that they use for the entire week, and each week they do a new mantra or they just have mantras that they just collect

And they just have a collage, a mantras, and they just refer back to them. So part of. First starting to work on replacing the negative with the positive cause the reason why it becomes a belief is because that's what you hear all the time. So if you're saying to yourself, I make mistakes

every single time you make a mistake your going to believe I make mistakes every single time. But if you say to yourself, people make mistakes, it's not a big deal. Every time you make a mistake, then you're not gonna feel bad about making a mistake because you believe that this is something people do all the time, and people bounce back and I can bounce back.

So it's about replacing it. So I would say that would be a good first step. It's creating your own mantras that you can use to replace it. And also with that, be okay with not believing it at first. Cause the goal is not to believe it because you're not gonna believe it initially. Cause that's not what you've been telling yourself.

What you've been telling yourself is that mistakes are not good, right? So it's gonna take some time to reverse that way of thinking. So give yourself grace and a time that it's gonna take for you to believe it. The first step is just giving yourself the opportunity to start saying new messaging, and then eventually you'll believe it.

[00:26:03] Wendy: I love that idea of just starting to and that you don't have to believe it. As a kid, I used to tell myself, I am so clumsy. And when I stopped saying that to myself, I fall a lot less but as a child, I remember hearing like somebody said it to me, I believed it.

And then anything I did, I was like I'm just clumsy. . . And it becomes this like belief system and you're like, that's not really true. And it's by, but based on what's been said , then you end up believing it, and then you have to tell yourself something different in so that you replace that belief until you do believe it. It has been a pleasure having you on here. Thank you. Please tell our guests how they can get in touch with you. I know you have a free offer for them. 

[00:26:42] Natasha Bryant: Yeah. I am on Instagram at Speak Life slt. I'm also on Facebook at Living Speak Life. You can check me out on my website, speak life transformation.com. To get information also by going on my website, speak life transformation.com. A popup box will come up for my free daily booster guide.

It is a guide that. Eight powerful strategies that can help you really boost your mood when you wake up in the morning and keep it going throughout the day. So it's got a strategy that you could do in the beginning of the day, middle of the day, end of the day. So you can just continue to boost your mood replace some of the self, Some of these are actually self-talk strategies on how to start new messaging.

How to develop new messaging. So there's. Three, I believe there's three different ones in there that all that actually target some of the positive self talk that we've been talking about today. And also if you want to learn more on how to do some self-talk replacement or learn about different types of self-talk on my website.

You can also within my store, it's the Lsl Store Living Speed Life Store that's on my website. You can purchase my self talk back workbook. It's a digital workbook, so you'll be able to get it instantly and it's also fillable, so you'll be able to, once you get it, you can start writing it right away.

and it will teach you different types of self-talk, but also gives you activities like Wendy was saying when she was asking how do I know what's negative self-talk part? How do I know how it's impacting me? This workbook goes through all of that for you. It helps you identify your negative self-talk.

It helps you understand how it's impacting you, and it also helps you learn how to replace it with positive self-talk. 

[00:28:18] Wendy: Thank you. That is awesome. And I can't thank you enough for being on the show. It has been fabulous. To my listeners, thank you for spending some more time with us today and have a blessed week.