Nov. 16, 2022
Natasha Bryant - Living A Self-Love Lifestyle Through Defeating Negative Self-Talk
Are you a female entrepreneur whose negative self-talk causes guilt to make yourself a priority? Do you feel like you need permission to take care of yourself?
This week on the Wellness and Wealth podcast, Natasha Bryant of Speak Life Transformation shares tips for giving yourself permission to put yourself first and set boundaries. In addition, she discusses how to turn down the volume of your negative self-talk.
In this episode, Natasha Bryant answers the following questions:
- What is negative self-talk?
- How much of our self-talk is other people's voices from the past?
- How many types of self-talk are there?
- What are the long-term effects of actively listening to negative self-talk?
- How does changing our internal dialogue help us show up for our business better?
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Transcript
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Hi everyone.
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My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast.
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I'm so happy to have you find us.
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And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it.
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This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business.
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So sit back, relax.
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And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you.
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Have a great day.
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Stay blessed.
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And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much.
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Hi everyone! As always, I'm excited to have you and our guest here.
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So lets get right into the show.
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Today we have Natasha Bryant.
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I will tell you a little about her and why I'm excited to have her on.
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Her bio is quite extensive.
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Natasha is a licensed clinical social worker and ceo of Speak Life Transformation LLC.
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She's on a mission to help women and teen girls unapologetically develop a powerful self-identity and an undefeated confident mindset.
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Having worked 14 plus years in the field of social work, providing mental health services within the Philadelphia public schools and outpatient settings.
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She has helped individuals to overcome issues related to anxiety, depression, and attachment trauma.
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Natasha has a passion to expand mental health and wellness, education and services beyond the walls of the therapy office Speak Life Transformation offers mental health counseling to individuals and couples.
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Mental health Wellness consultation to schools through school-based trauma informed care, and to small businesses through corporate mental wellness care.
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Natasha has been featured in major publications such as Psych Central, Choosing Therapy and Bustle as an expert contributor.
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She is an author of a confidence coach, psychotherapist and peace promoter.
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She is a self proclaimed foodie, travel enthusiast, hope dealer, and cool auntie.
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Welcome Natasha.
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How are you today?
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I'm good.
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Thank you Wendy for having me.
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Thank you.
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And I love we are going to talk about negative self-talk.
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And how it can lead to all sorts of unbalance in our life.
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So many people deal with this all over.
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And then entrepreneurship brings that whole new bubble of self-talk that could be negative.
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So in your experience, what is negative self-talk?
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Negative self-talk I describe it as that inner bully.
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I describe it as that naysayer, the doubter, the heckler that we all have in our heads and it's causing, us to focus on the negative.
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It's causing us to focus on the bad of a situation.
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It's causing us to cast fear and doubt in our abilities and what we can handle.
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It's causing us to even make rash decisions, sometimes impulsive decisions out of those different emotions that we're experiencing.
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And it also causes a snowball effect, where we have the one negative self-talk and then it builds on another, and then it ends up magnifying the situation and making the situation appear way worse than what it is.
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And so it causes you to go into this deep, dark space about your situation.
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Having you believe that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
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I've been there, but I've also seen it happen to other people and in my experience, it's because they have talked to no one else except their own thought.
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Am I correct about this?
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There's this thing that you start with, and once you get to that deep, dark place, or even in that circular motion it's like the more you talk to yourself and that negativity, the less you go to anybody.
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It becomes very loud to the point where that's all you can hear.
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And the strategies I teach my clients is how to not get rid of self because we're gonna have negative self talk.
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We have positive and negative.
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We talked to ourselves all the time.
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I think.
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A data I recently read was we have over 6,000 thoughts a day and so with all the thoughts we have, there are gonna be some that are great.
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There are gonna be some that are not so great.
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There's gonna be some that's encouraging, there's gonna be some that's discouraging.
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And so it's not even about getting rid of it cause it's gonna pop up cuz we're human.
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But it's about how do I silence it?
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How do I make the volume of this negative self-talk go down so that the positive self-talk, the inner coach within me is able to quiet down the inner critic within.
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That's amazing that we have 6,000 thoughts a day.
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We're very busy-minded people.
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But there's stigma for a long time that there was something wrong with you to have 6,000 thoughts.
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There's been a negativity to it this buck up attitude of what's wrong with you for thinking that way?
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If we can delve into that a little bit.
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That's so true.
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I tell my clients all the time, you have to talk back to yourself.
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I actually created a workbook called the Self Talk Back Workbook because if we don't talk back to ourselves and we allow that spiral to happen, then we're gonna be stuck in that spiral.
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Another terminology they use is a feedback loop.
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And so if we don't stop that feedback loop, we don't talk back to that feedback loop, then the loop is gonna constantly messaging this negative point of view of the world of yourself.
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Yes.
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The idea that, oh, thinking that you talk to yourself sounds makes you crazy.
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It's no, we have over 6,000 thoughts a day, and most of them is us talking to ourselves like, What I wanna eat today?
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Do I wanna eat that?
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I can't believe this person said that to me.
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This is ridiculous.
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How long I have to wait in this line?
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Oh my goodness.
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All those thoughts are things that we're saying to ourselves and many times we're not even aware of them.
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But becoming more self aware of your thoughts is so important cuz then you can catch when you decided to hold onto a negative talk and be able to push it aside.
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And when there is a positive of self-talk coming through and you can hold that instead.
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So the over the 6,000 thoughts we have most are fleeting.
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They're just in and out.
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And so it's all about which ones are you choosing to hold onto and keep, because we pick and choose which ones we're gonna actually hold on and believe and focus on.
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Maybe even obsess over.
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And so it's, which ones are those going to be?
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I just had this question as you're talking pop into my head.
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How much do you think is other people's voices from the past and how much is you?
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How do you learn how to differentiate the voices?
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For Instance, teachers told me I could never write and that I should never write.
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And I write for a living now.
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How do you differ?
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In the back of my head I was like, Oh my gosh, they're all going to hate it when I first started writing, I began to take on what other people told me as a truth, and then that becomes part of my self-talk.
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That's such a great question.
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I'm so glad you asked that question because it is a really important point or concept to understand.
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Our thoughts are examples.
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Or it gives us the notion of how we're perceiving the world.
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And so how we perceive the world is all learned behavior from our experiences or it could be us, our personal experience, or we might have witnessed somebody else's experience and we're like, Ooh, don't wanna do that again.
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Or definitely wanna do that.
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And so it's all about our experiences.
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We learn from behavior.
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And so messaging that ends up becoming our core belief, part of our core value system is messaging that we've repeatedly heard over and over again, or we may not have heard it over and over again, but it has such a strong emotional impact on us, good or bad, that we've end up holding onto that as our belief system.
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And one way to know if what you're believing is actually your thoughts or if it's somebody else's that you've now made your own is asking yourself, Who said that?
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Literally ask yourself who said that?
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Who said that you're not a good writer, and I'm sure you can go right to that person.
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Such and such said that about me.
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That's why I think I'm not gonna be able to go writer.
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She said it to me every time.
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Every time she gave me feedback on my papers.
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That was what she said.
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So I assumed that's what it must be.
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Or if you have a fear of something and you're like, Oh, I really shouldn't go to this neighborhood because it's gonna be scary.
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Have you ever been to Neighborhood?
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No.
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Or if you have been to Neighborhood, has anything happened to you?
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No.
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Who said that?
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Oh my aunt, she said never go there.
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Anytime we rode past that exit, or anytime we rode past the neighborhood, she gave these horrible stories.
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So I just.
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Assumed I should be scared about it.
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Cause she was scared about it.
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And then before, you're taking on other people's fears, you're taking on other people's opinions of you, and now you're allowing other people's fears to become your own.
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Now you're allowing other people to define your worth in value.
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So asking yourself that question who said that?
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And actually of trace back to the original source of where you received that belief.
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I love that, especially when it comes to fears.
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You know, I'm thinking social media, that who says it.
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And suddenly it becomes a belief system from people we have yet to meet or know.
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I used to do people's social media, and I had a singer and this young lady would write the singer on Twitter daily.
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And if he was doing a show, he'd hire me.
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Otherwise, he'd be less consistent on it and I felt so bad because when I wasn't doing their stuff, she would wonder what's wrong with me because he was not answering.
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In my self-talk back workbook, I talk about 13 different types of self-talk that are negative self-talk that can increase the anxiety and or depression, right?
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And then I give strategies on how to actually talk back to yourself, talk and reframe, change up your thinking.
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The self talks that's coming to mind and what you're talking about is unfavorable comparisons and social media does that a lot.
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Where we find ourselves comparing ourselves and the reason why it's called unfavorable comparisons.
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Cause it's not nice comparisons, It's not putting yourself in favor, it's you minimizing your own worth and value cuz you're comparing yourself to somebody else.
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So you're like I did get this award, but Sophia over here got the same accomplishment and she got all this great feedback.
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So it's not as good as Sophia's.
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Or you're comparing yourself to what you don't have compared to what somebody else has.
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And then the whole entire time you're diminishing or minimizing your own worth and value because you're comparing somebody else's success, accomplishments, lifestyle to your own and making it seem like there's a so much more.
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There's so much better and more value to it compared to your own.
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And then before you know it, the self talk is maybe I should do what they're doing?
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Or maybe I should have made that decision like she did.
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Or you end up becoming an expert on how somebody else is living, cuz you're thinking if I do exactly what they did, then I'll be able to get the success that I want, or the success like them.
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And then you do exactly what somebody else did.
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It doesn't work or it does work, but you still don't feel satisfied because it really was for somebody else's life not your own.
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The self-talk is saying, This is what you're supposed to be doing.
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You should be doing this, you should be doing that.
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You must do this, you must do that.
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And that's another type of self-talk that should thoughts.
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And those should thoughts create this mandate.
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And nobody else created a mandate.
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Nobody's saying, this is how you should be living, but because of what you're observing; goes back to what I was saying, how behavior influences behavior.
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I'm observing how, oh, people respond well when I do this, or I've seen people get a more positive feedback when they act that way, so maybe that's how I should be acting.
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And then it becomes this mandate or this rule that you get to follow.
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And a lot of times it causes anxiety depression or anger, frustration, Overwhelmingness.
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Cause we feel like we have to do it because if I wanna have this certain type of outcome, this positive outcome, this is what I should be doing.
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And then we end up living a life based on other people's opinions, how other people are living, the fear of disappointing, or not pleasing.
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And that was the next question I was going go into.
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You started to describe the long-term effects of negative self-talk.
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How can that manifest?
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I heard you say some of them are depression and anxiety, but are there other ways?
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Such as a lack mindset or something consistently wrong.
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Or negative questionsl ike why does this always happen to me?
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I would assume long-term when we start to beat ourselves up to that point and can't break that cycle So, it must manifest in other ways.
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Yeah.
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I mentioned before, anxiety and depression it can manifest anxiety because depending on what's driving the negative self-talk, it can cause anxiety because of how overwhelming it feels to constantly trying to perform at a certain level.
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If your self-talk focused on perfectionism and making you feel like you have to be perfect all the time, then it can cause this constant level of anxiety of not performing or not being enough.
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I have to excel or exceed at this certain level.
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It would cause this level of racing thoughts where you're constantly trying to prepare, plan, predict what's going to happen so that you don't have this negative thing happening.
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And that's where the anxiety comes.
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It triggers depression especially if you're dwelling on the negative, that's another type of self-talk dwelling on the negative.
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You're constantly focusing on negative.
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It's hard to see the good and so life just seems very gloomy.
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It feels very discouraging.
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Also, if you're thinking you're not enough, that can feel very discouraging and cause depression.
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And so when you are having a lot of those racing thoughts too, because it's overwhelming cuz anxiety and depression is What comes first, The chicken or the egg?
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That's how the anxiety depression is.
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For many people it's is it the anxiety that's the triggering the depression or is it depression that's the triggering and anxiety and it really could go either way to be honest.
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Another way it can manifest is ever heard someone say, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.
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I'm just preparing for the worst so I can be ready if the worst ever happens.
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And that's part of that dwelling and the negative where the person, it's hard for them to see the positive cause they're so nervous that.
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If I allow myself to accept it as positivity, then I'll make myself vulnerable to be disappointed.
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That's the point of view.
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And so they end up living a life full of this negative outlook that nothing's gonna go well.
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If it does go well, it's gonna be robbed from me, so I'm not even gonna even try.
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So those are some examples of how it can manifest in how you see the world your relationships.
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If you're worried about pleasing people, you're constantly trying to get happiness through pleasing and making sure that everybody else is happy with you.
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If they're happy with me, then that determines that I'm a good person.
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So you're constantly putting other people first before your own, because the self talk is saying, You gotta please other people.
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That's where you get your validation from.
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Those are some examples.
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can go on and on, but those are some examples of how it can manifest long term.
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Yeah.
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And I've seen it and I'm always impressed with therapists who work in this field every day, it can be draining.
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And you don't realize, when you're not in that place and you go near people who are in this constant, everything's wrong all of a sudden, you can start to go, maybe everything is wrong, or you walk away.
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And I do have a follow up question to that.
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Again and I wonder if there's a correlation.
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Would we talk about physical illness or even addictions?
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What you said exhausting is so true.
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Not even just for the other person, but for the person experiencing it.
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It's very tiring.
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Some it impacts sleep, so it's, It can be hard for somebody to fall asleep because their mind is constantly racing, or it can be hard for someone to stay asleep, so they might fall asleep, but then they wake up in the middle of the night, so insomnia.
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Very real when it comes to racing thoughts and this really loud, negative self-talk.
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It can impact high stress levels cuz your cortisone is, On high alert all the time, your stress hormones, especially if it's like this fear, right?
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You're coming from a very fear per like fear of disappointing.
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Fear of failing.
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Fear of things going wrong.
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Your stress hormones are on all the time, which your body's thinking is a threat all the time.
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If you're body thinking it's a threat, then it's gonna release all the hormones to try to protect you from the threat, which then causes your body to overwork longer than your body is built to do.
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So some people might have like stomach aches, headaches.
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Migraines It can cause somebody to sleep a lot.
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It can be the opposite where you just wanna sleep.
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It can impact your appetite.
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So those are a few of the different physical conditions that you can have due to the stress.
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That's what it is.
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It causes a lot of stress, and then your body is overworking, trying to stabilize itself in the midst of that stress.
00:16:01.241 --> 00:16:05.658
Yeah, I can see where that would manifest; suddenly you're exhausted or like, what is going on with me?
00:16:05.658 --> 00:16:08.159
Where you take on more and you're like, I don't understand.
00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:09.750
I used to be able to do all this stuff
00:16:09.799 --> 00:16:14.337
Another area too is you just reminded me of being able to concentrate and focus.
00:16:14.847 --> 00:16:21.327
So because you're overthinking so much or your mind is racing so much, it's hard to be in the present.
00:16:21.778 --> 00:16:24.418
And so you can easily forget things.
00:16:24.418 --> 00:16:25.947
You easily distracted.
00:16:25.947 --> 00:16:33.118
It's hard for you to focus and concentrate cuz you're having this cognitive weariness happening where your brain is exhausted.
00:16:33.118 --> 00:16:34.738
Especially if you're not getting sleep as well.
00:16:34.798 --> 00:16:35.758
Cause it's impacting your sleep.
00:16:35.758 --> 00:16:37.918
So imagine your mind is racing.
00:16:38.148 --> 00:16:39.798
You're not getting enough sleep, right?
00:16:39.798 --> 00:16:46.908
That's definitely gonna impact your eating habits, your ability to focus and concentrate, your ability to be able to relax.
00:16:46.989 --> 00:16:49.638
Your at a hyper state at all times.
00:16:49.668 --> 00:16:50.724
It makes A lot of sense.
00:16:50.813 --> 00:16:55.327
If I have one of those days where I'm like, Oh, a project, and I have to get this done, the harder it becomes.
00:16:55.332 --> 00:17:01.080
For female entrepreneurs how can loving yourself and putting yourself first, help you show up better for your business?
00:17:01.080 --> 00:17:12.541
Because I think sometimes we have a disconnect, especially and quite true, there's many giving people in the world, but women are primarily givers It's how we are.
00:17:12.541 --> 00:17:15.006
And it's harder for us, especially with the self-talk.
00:17:15.006 --> 00:17:21.231
So in the idea of switching the language that we speak to ourselves how does that help us show up better for our businesses?
00:17:21.662 --> 00:17:22.467
I really love this question.
00:17:22.467 --> 00:17:29.065
I recently did a a series that was how to put yourself first without the Guilt, and it was a three workshop series.
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One of the workshop series was specifically about self-love boundaries because part of being able to show up for yourself is being able to say no or set boundaries that is needed so you can make time to show up for yourself.
00:17:45.980 --> 00:17:52.531
Often as entrepreneurs, we will be so focused on the business that we don't even make time for ourselves.
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