Dec. 14, 2022

Abigail Stason - How To Navigate Anger

Abigail Stason - How To Navigate Anger
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Are you a female entrepreneur raised believing it was wrong to feel angry? Do you know anger is an emotion that helps us evolve and mature?

This week on the Wellness and Wealth podcast, Abigail (Abby) Stason addresses why anger is a tough emotion for female entrepreneurs. She’ll also share about seeing anger as a resistance energy from not standing up for ourselves.  

In this episode, Abigail (Abby) Stason answers the following questions:


  • What is anger? 
  • How does anger affect our daily lives and business?
  • What is the difference between anger and resentment?
  • What is the first step to using anger as a source of resilience and effective action?


Guest Offer: Anger can be a source of resilience and fuel for effective action


Guest Link: ​​ https://abigailstason.com/blog/how-to-navigate-anger-through-presence


Support the show

Connect with Wendy Manganaro:


Connect with Wendy Manganaro:  

Transcript
WEBVTT

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Hi everyone.

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My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast.

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I'm so happy to have you find us.

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And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it.

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This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business.

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So sit back, relax.

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And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you.

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Have a great day.

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Stay blessed.

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And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much.

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Hi everyone, we have another great show for you and I'm so excited that you're here to listen.

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Today we have Abigail Abby, but we'll be calling her Abby Stason on with us, and we'll be talking about how to navigate anger.

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We will read Abby's, bio and then we'll get started.

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So, Abby's more master teacher than a coach.

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She is a social activist and skill builder.

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With 20 plus years of professional experience as an integrative leader, organizational consultant, and group facilitator.

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She is a thoughts leader and facilitator of embodiment.

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She practices what she preaches as a disruptor.

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Abby is committed to a new social awareness in favor of exposing outdated structures that are no longer of service, giving away to the experience of peace, freedom, and truth in the world.

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In short, she helps human beings, leaders, teams, and organizations wake up by equipping them with behavioral practices for a modern world.

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So welcome, Abby.

00:01:41.256 --> 00:01:42.475
Thanks for being with us today.

00:01:43.085 --> 00:01:44.200
Thank you for having me.

00:01:44.200 --> 00:01:45.191
And that's spot on.

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That's what I'm up to.

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that it reflected to me, I thought, yeah, that's me.

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Don't you love that when you write something and you're like, oh, that's pretty good.

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That is what I do.

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That's so great.

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Thank you.

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Yeah.

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I get that all lot too.

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Sometimes I'm like, oh, I need to put this together.

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And I'm like, oh, I already wrote that.

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That's pretty good.

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I don't have to do that.

00:02:03.938 --> 00:02:04.537
It's already done.

00:02:04.537 --> 00:02:04.927
It's wonderful.

00:02:04.987 --> 00:02:08.747
We met through LinkedIn so the listeners know I meet a lot of our guests through LinkedIn.

00:02:08.747 --> 00:02:17.479
I read Their bios and, look at what you do and because the show is on self-care, and you had asked me to take a look at your blogs for a topic and I was like, anger.

00:02:17.508 --> 00:02:26.508
That's a great topic to talk about because, it's hard to go through all of your life and not get a little angry anywhere.

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And then you add on stressors and pressures and suddenly sometimes you're getting angry and you don't wanna be angry.

00:02:33.258 --> 00:02:34.758
And you're like, why is this happening?

00:02:34.808 --> 00:02:38.433
And so we're gonna talk about that today, which I think is fantastic.

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I always love to ask my guests what is your definition of the topic?

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Because everybody has their own definitions of the word and what it relates to within themselves, their own life.

00:02:48.844 --> 00:02:51.245
So what's your definition of anger?

00:02:51.784 --> 00:02:52.025
Yeah.

00:02:52.030 --> 00:02:52.745
Thank you for that.

00:02:52.750 --> 00:02:58.569
And I appreciate you picking out this topic cuz I actually offered an idea for you, but you said, how about anger?

00:02:58.574 --> 00:02:59.830
And I thought, yeah, that's even better.

00:02:59.830 --> 00:03:00.669
Great idea.

00:03:00.669 --> 00:03:03.979
So for me, let's back up for a second.

00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:07.449
The first thing about emotions is to know where you're feeling when you're feeling it.

00:03:07.805 --> 00:03:11.764
So emotions start in our body and usually in sectors of our body.

00:03:11.794 --> 00:03:15.185
And then from there we have messages with that.

00:03:15.185 --> 00:03:20.405
So with anger, the way I define anger is an energy, it's resistance, energy.

00:03:20.884 --> 00:03:24.875
And it usually shows up in our head, neck, particularly in our jaw.

00:03:24.875 --> 00:03:28.444
And then sometimes people's faces will get very red.

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And sometimes women cover up their anger with tears.

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So for me, anger is an energy that's resistance energy.

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It starts in our body, head, neck, shoulders, tight, jaw, sometimes a red face, and it's resistance energy.

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That's interesting that you say that because I am a big believer that most things happen to us physically.

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Or we take them on physically.

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Either they happen biologically, physically, or we take them on as a physical component to what is happening to us.

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So for that idea of anger, and then I like that you also said this, that sometimes it comes along in tears and we're like, why are we crying?

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This doesn't make any sense.

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And I think anger is one of those emotions that we're not, especially as women, I hate to say, women are not supposed to be angry.

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We're seen as lots of different things or we must have our friend, or there's all sorts of things that come along with when a woman in particularly is angry.

00:04:27.148 --> 00:04:27.718
Yes.

00:04:27.718 --> 00:04:50.257
And so that's why women covered up with tears, because women, if we're angry, then we're a witch with a B, then we get accused of all this and let's back up too, like you said, I'm appreciating what you said early on is that, with so much going on in the world, we're gonna be angry, and that's okay.

00:04:50.257 --> 00:04:52.478
It's how we channel that anger.

00:04:52.807 --> 00:04:57.487
But what's remarkable to me is that I'll ask people, when was the last time you felt angry.

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And I'll have people say to me, oh, I never get angry.

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So it's unrealistic.

00:05:02.007 --> 00:05:03.958
There's so much baggage around anger.

00:05:04.377 --> 00:05:08.757
So anger's actually just energy to come into harmony with and to utilize in a productive.

00:05:10.362 --> 00:05:10.632
Yeah.

00:05:10.843 --> 00:05:11.023
And,

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And I think there is so much baggage with anger and I think there's a loads of topics out there, by the way, that we just don't discuss.

00:05:18.262 --> 00:05:24.473
It's either impolite or we're not supposed to feel that way, money's a topic that nobody's ever supposed to discuss.

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There's so many topics out there.

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We're we'll say let's not talk about that.

00:05:28.892 --> 00:05:38.023
God forbid we find out we're not alone And anger is one of those things where you start to think, there's something wrong with me because I'm feeling this way.

00:05:38.833 --> 00:05:39.312
Yeah.

00:05:39.312 --> 00:05:45.163
This is the social societal and cultural conditioning about emotions in general.

00:05:45.442 --> 00:05:46.973
Emotions are don't emote.

00:05:47.202 --> 00:05:50.492
There's no crying in baseball Is the infamous line?

00:05:50.649 --> 00:05:56.680
It's necessary that we are coming to harmony with our emotions and we actually feel our emotions.

00:05:56.730 --> 00:06:06.980
The studies are clear that emotional ventilation is an absolute non-negotiable for resilience from a biochemical, biological, physiological aspect.

00:06:07.910 --> 00:06:11.370
Also, with a, and bringing it to anger, which is a really important topic.

00:06:11.370 --> 00:06:14.399
Anger's one of the toughest ones for people to navigate Now.

00:06:15.314 --> 00:06:19.185
The context we're talking about is entrepreneurs and female entrepreneurs.

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Anger is a boundary.

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Anger helps me with boundaries.

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So the signal with anger is what do I have a no for?

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What do I disagree with or how am I not feeling met?

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So you wanna have boundaries as a female, as a human being, first of all.

00:06:33.314 --> 00:06:40.569
But then as a female entrepreneur, you wanna have boundaries and use that anger to say no to this or yes to that.

00:06:40.610 --> 00:06:47.175
Absolutely, and I like that you say that's boundary and which I'm so skipping ahead, but we're gonna just do this anyway.

00:06:47.175 --> 00:07:01.810
Because you bring up a good point, which for me, when you talk about boundaries and I think that sometimes maybe all people, but certainly women will get to that point of anger because they haven't set the boundaries up in the first.

00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:03.879
Bingo.

00:07:03.930 --> 00:07:05.699
And I knew I was gonna love this conversation.

00:07:05.699 --> 00:07:05.970
Love it.

00:07:05.970 --> 00:07:07.439
And I love that as a conversation.

00:07:07.680 --> 00:07:12.375
So if I'm not in touch with my anger, Then I'm not in touch with my boundaries.

00:07:12.495 --> 00:07:20.915
But then yes, what happens is it builds and builds, and then the cork pops, and then we have this disproportionate response.

00:07:21.274 --> 00:07:24.250
And then as a woman it's oh, there she goes again.

00:07:24.250 --> 00:07:29.560
So for females, but this is true for a lot of people and look, this is so prevalent now.

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You can go, I'm gonna bring it up.

00:07:31.451 --> 00:07:33.011
You might feel angry or wanna smack me.

00:07:33.071 --> 00:07:35.880
So the infamous the slap at the Oscars.

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What is that?

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Chris Rock says something, he gets angry.

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He goes up and smacks him.

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Air rage incidences have gone up 3000%.

00:07:45.151 --> 00:07:47.610
Some outrageous number like that cuz everyone's angry.

00:07:48.331 --> 00:07:53.500
And then even President Biden, he was at a podium and had a hot mic.

00:07:54.346 --> 00:07:59.045
and there was a reporter asking him a question, and the question was irrelevant.

00:07:59.346 --> 00:08:06.156
Instead of President Biden saying, I'm not gonna take that question on a hot mic, he got caught saying, what a stupid son of a bee.

00:08:06.235 --> 00:08:09.805
And we're all human, but we're not understanding I feel angry.

00:08:10.196 --> 00:08:11.216
I have a request.

00:08:11.216 --> 00:08:12.326
Please don't do that.

00:08:13.026 --> 00:08:13.425
Right.

00:08:13.750 --> 00:08:16.841
And I think that's what ends up happening is it's past this boiling point.

00:08:16.841 --> 00:08:18.790
And as you're talking about these incidences.

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I have a degree in criminal justice, which is so funny cuz, I decided to not be a cop as soon as I was two weeks away from graduation.

00:08:25.706 --> 00:08:27.555
But that's a whole other story for another time.

00:08:27.555 --> 00:08:35.375
But the, some of the psychology that I learned from that And you would think it's common sense, but people don't realize it in the summer, all crimes go up.

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Why?

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Because everybody's outside, they're hot, they're irritated, and suddenly they're acting out.

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Because they're not asking what they need and you're ready to attack somebody suddenly.

00:08:47.691 --> 00:08:47.806
Yeah.

00:08:48.316 --> 00:08:48.676
Great.

00:08:48.676 --> 00:08:49.875
What a great example.

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Thank you.

00:08:50.716 --> 00:08:57.466
Because they're angry because it's really hot out and they don't want it to be hot, so they take it out on each other.

00:08:57.735 --> 00:09:12.421
So today there's actually rage rooms that are on like primetime TV I watched Billions, the show anyway, and one of the characters went to a rage room where she dresses in safety gear and takes a sledge to take her anger out on things.

00:09:12.421 --> 00:09:23.341
So instead of this phenomenon of anger displacement where I take my anger and put it onto others, or I bottle it up to this disproportionate response, I can come into harmony with that.

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So that's the societal thing, but let's bring it back to a female entrepreneur.

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It's important that as a female, as an entrepreneur and as a human being, you have access to anger.

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Okay, I feel angry.

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What do I want?

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What am I disagreeing with and how can I do that in a way that's civil and respectful and mostly self-respecting?

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And that brings to the question, how does anger affect an entrepreneur in their daily lives?

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Some of the things I first think of is suddenly I'm angry.

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I don't like my client.

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Suddenly I'm angry, I'm resenting.

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Which brings me to that question of what's the difference between a resentment and an anger?

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But I'm resenting at this point, the boundaries I haven't really set up.

00:10:03.846 --> 00:10:05.671
I can see how that would affect that way.

00:10:06.421 --> 00:10:07.260
Exactly.

00:10:07.260 --> 00:10:12.091
So let's say, this is where if we don't, we aren't in tune with our anger.

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We override our No.

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So anger's a signal that I have a no for something or I disagree with something.

00:10:20.910 --> 00:10:32.541
So if I keep, having a client that I have a no to, and I take that client, I'm gonna feel angry and then the resentment starts and I continue to feel angry because I'm out of alignment.

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Whenever we're out of alignment, we feel angry.

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So that's a signal to how am I out of alignment?

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How can I come back into alignment?

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And I also wanna say too, it's also so simple, it's 1145 in the morning.

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I'm starting to feel angry cuz I have back to back meetings and I haven't had lunch.

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You've heard the term hangry?

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So it's that simple.

00:10:54.490 --> 00:10:57.519
What we're talking about is simple, but not easy.

00:10:57.519 --> 00:11:00.370
There's so much baggage about anger.

00:11:00.970 --> 00:11:02.080
It's okay, I feel angry.

00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:02.830
What do I want?

00:11:02.860 --> 00:11:04.000
What do I disagree with?

00:11:04.000 --> 00:11:05.019
What do I have a no for?

00:11:05.019 --> 00:11:07.789
And then, Hey, Abby, I don't wanna do that right now.

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Would you consider doing this?

00:11:09.254 --> 00:11:11.799
Or, I don't have the capacity to do that right now.

00:11:11.799 --> 00:11:13.029
I don't wanna go out tonight.

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I'd rather work out, or, I'm really feeling angry.

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I don't wanna sign with this client.

00:11:18.710 --> 00:11:32.039
These are all the moment to moment signals to come into harmony with, and that adds to the toughest part is, When we feel angry and something's happening, but we can't change it.

00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:34.230
So for instance, the pandemic.

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I don't want the pandemic.

00:11:36.429 --> 00:11:37.750
I felt anger when it came on.

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Then we have to learn how to be in this disagreement and channel that anger in a productive way.

00:11:45.220 --> 00:11:53.950
So I recommend people make sure they work out cuz anger's resistance, energy or for an entrepreneur, how can you channel that to do more for your business?

00:11:53.955 --> 00:11:57.909
Take that energy, put it to work towards something in your business.

00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:03.820
Yeah, and it's so interesting that you're talking about this with the pandemic, because that's what I was thinking about.

00:12:03.855 --> 00:12:06.100
I think there has to be an understanding which.

00:12:07.014 --> 00:12:10.195
As for me, I'm part control freak for sure.

00:12:10.195 --> 00:12:11.215
I know this about me.

00:12:11.264 --> 00:12:21.059
And so when I start to get angry the most is because I think that I need to a put myself somewhere that I don't need to be involved in.

00:12:21.059 --> 00:12:22.860
And then you are not doing what I want.

00:12:22.860 --> 00:12:34.149
And so I think there's something, between getting angry over those things that we can control and change, which is usually everything about ourselves as opposed to those external things.

00:12:34.149 --> 00:12:49.404
Like we were talking about the heat before, where we cannot control and learning in general, that's one of the things we don't know what we can and can't control, and then we start trying to over control and then we get angrier because somebody's not doing something we want them to do.

00:12:49.884 --> 00:12:49.945
Yeah.

00:12:50.154 --> 00:12:51.355
Well done on that one.

00:12:51.408 --> 00:12:58.793
So that's the Olympics of navigating anger, that somebody's doing something that we want them to be different and we can't change them.

00:12:58.793 --> 00:13:02.278
So then we get very angry and that's where drama then starts.

00:13:02.278 --> 00:13:09.508
Then we get into fights and drama and I'll go back to what I said earlier we have to be emotionally fluent.

00:13:09.538 --> 00:13:18.508
The studies are clear on this, and what's exciting about the time we live in is that we know a lot more about the biology and neuroscience and how that affects and impacts our behavior.

00:13:18.988 --> 00:13:27.788
And so if we're not in harmony and letting our emotional energy flow, we know that it affects our immune system and we know our resilience will drop.

00:13:27.878 --> 00:13:30.307
We know this, so people have had trauma.

00:13:30.923 --> 00:13:35.482
The more they can emote and not repress their emotions, they recover from the trauma faster.

00:13:35.482 --> 00:13:42.192
We just know that so anger's part of that coming into harmony with our anger will up our overall resistance.

00:13:43.013 --> 00:13:51.942
And I did wanna go back to that question of this too is, I grew up with understanding the word resentment more than anger.

00:13:51.942 --> 00:13:58.482
Anger seemed so short termed and resentment to me felt something more long term.

00:13:58.753 --> 00:14:01.543
For lack of a better way of describing it.

00:14:01.543 --> 00:14:05.582
And that's the other thing is I don't know if we know what we can control and what we can't.

00:14:05.587 --> 00:14:09.202
And then I also think that we may have an onus of okay, this is short term.

00:14:09.202 --> 00:14:10.748
I don't have to carry this for six months.

00:14:12.273 --> 00:14:14.427
We don't know what we're carrying anymore.

00:14:14.427 --> 00:14:20.597
And I think, especially some of the behavior, I hate to say this, when I'm out and about and I see some of the behavior and I'm.

00:14:21.982 --> 00:14:22.222
Whew.

00:14:22.533 --> 00:14:31.214
I feel like I go up, wanna go up and hug people and say although it's not okay after the pandemic, as it once was, and be like, yeah, you're really not angry about that right now.

00:14:31.264 --> 00:14:34.173
I know you think that this is this, but this is not this.

00:14:34.714 --> 00:14:35.224
Yeah.

00:14:35.323 --> 00:14:38.864
Resentment to me is a built up experience.

00:14:38.864 --> 00:14:39.553
You're right.

00:14:39.604 --> 00:14:42.594
I applaud what you're saying and agree wholeheartedly.

00:14:42.594 --> 00:14:49.774
So if I'm not current on any of my experiences and this one happens to be about anger, then it gets bottled up.

00:14:50.323 --> 00:14:51.673
Then I'm not clean and clear.

00:14:51.673 --> 00:14:56.114
So I make sure that every night I'm clean and clear and current with my emotions.

00:14:56.114 --> 00:14:59.244
It doesn't mean they end, especially anger.

00:14:59.423 --> 00:15:02.724
So resentment is that I haven't stood for myself.

00:15:02.724 --> 00:15:03.774
It's a boundary.

00:15:04.283 --> 00:15:10.524
So then I'm gonna start, then we say we resent others when really we resent ourselves because we didn't stand for ourselves.

00:15:11.124 --> 00:15:12.894
But we take it out on other people.

00:15:13.158 --> 00:15:17.087
I'm glad you brought that up cuz see how this is just, we're having.

00:15:17.628 --> 00:15:23.477
Pretty rich discourse about anger when really it just should be, I feel angry today.

00:15:23.477 --> 00:15:25.937
What's my, no, what do I disagree with and move on.

00:15:25.942 --> 00:15:32.452
But see how it's a rich discussion cuz people just think anger's bad, or I can't resent others, or this, that and the other thing.

00:15:32.457 --> 00:15:34.972
And it's just anger's just another form of energy.

00:15:35.163 --> 00:15:37.283
And this idea of cleaning, clearing it.

00:15:37.312 --> 00:15:40.373
Talk more about that at night, because I think that you're right.

00:15:40.373 --> 00:15:42.798
Because we hold onto to stuff maybe it's me.

00:15:42.798 --> 00:15:51.057
It could be me, but I've had moments where you walk away and you're like 20 minutes later you're still having that conversation and if I would've said, I call myself a recovering drama mama.

00:15:51.057 --> 00:16:05.246
I don't do this anymore, but at one time, especially in my youth, I'd walk away for three weeks and I'd be like, next time I see them, and I'm like, Really like they, they have moved on and I'm still wrapped with it in my head.

00:16:05.246 --> 00:16:07.677
And I think that's what you're talking about is this idea.

00:16:07.677 --> 00:16:16.586
So this idea of being able to clean and clear it so that you don't bring it in to the next day and the next experience is really ideally where we need to be.

00:16:16.586 --> 00:16:17.986
But, so talk more about that.

00:16:18.037 --> 00:16:25.096
This is really relevant because if one of the main reasons we go into our thought stream is because we have an emotion and don't wanna feel it.

00:16:26.057 --> 00:16:32.236
So a lot of it has to do with coming into harmony with our bodies and what's happening in our bodies.

00:16:32.267 --> 00:16:34.787
The emotion actually starts in our bodies.

00:16:35.596 --> 00:16:39.197
So we're not taught literally like, how do I process this?

00:16:39.197 --> 00:16:47.667
An joy's usually easy, and sadness is still a little bit easier, but anger and fear are the toughest ones.

00:16:47.942 --> 00:16:53.961
So we're never taught, how do I actually process this anger energy that's happening in my body?

00:16:53.961 --> 00:16:54.892
So we avoid that.

00:16:54.892 --> 00:16:56.091
We go to an our thought stream.

00:16:56.091 --> 00:16:57.322
That's a classic example.

00:16:57.322 --> 00:17:00.412
Well, next time I see them, and this isn't gonna happen again.

00:17:00.412 --> 00:17:02.961
As opposed to, okay, I feel angry.

00:17:03.211 --> 00:17:04.652
What did I have a no for?

00:17:04.652 --> 00:17:05.852
What do I disagree with?

00:17:05.852 --> 00:17:07.291
Where did I not feel met?

00:17:07.321 --> 00:17:09.092
Okay, what's here for me to learn?

00:17:09.602 --> 00:17:12.422
And then move on because it bottles up.

00:17:12.422 --> 00:17:15.211
Then you see the disproportionate response.

00:17:16.182 --> 00:17:25.521
These air rage incidences, or in my blog, there's an incidence where I went swimming laps at a pool and this gentleman started screaming and yelling.

00:17:25.821 --> 00:17:27.082
It wasn't about that.

00:17:27.082 --> 00:17:28.432
It was bottled up anger.

00:17:28.432 --> 00:17:42.092
So it comes out disproportionate to the situation because it's been bottled up for so long, and that literally like to process your feelings, you literally breathe into the sensations and capture any wisdom from it.

00:17:42.265 --> 00:17:42.974
I love that.

00:17:43.000 --> 00:17:55.674
And this idea of bottling it up too long and where it's just comes out disproportionate and I'm not trying to be mean, but there are certain people where you look at and somewhere along the line they become so jaded.

00:17:55.680 --> 00:17:57.914
You can almost tell the difference.

00:17:58.285 --> 00:18:05.029
You can feel their energy and their jadedness when you walk into a room because they're not doing that at all.

00:18:05.075 --> 00:18:13.969
And they feel the world is against'em, and you can just feel the energy of what it feels like for them to have the world against them, no matter what.

00:18:14.469 --> 00:18:15.068
That's right.

00:18:15.068 --> 00:18:16.898
That's cuz they're not in harmony.

00:18:16.949 --> 00:18:21.598
This is the mind body connection that everyone talked about and it's not woowoo at all.

00:18:21.598 --> 00:18:24.239
There's a lot of science now that supports this.

00:18:24.659 --> 00:18:30.179
So if I suppress any kind of emotional feelings, then I go to my head.

00:18:30.179 --> 00:18:32.579
That's the classic thing and I start thinking about it.

00:18:33.314 --> 00:18:40.324
And with anger, energy, resistance, energy, if I haven't been able to resist it, then I become the consummate villain all the time.

00:18:40.324 --> 00:18:50.374
Walking around the world is bad, that person's bad, and this constant anger just puts it in a villain flavor of constant judgment of everything in everyone.

00:18:50.416 --> 00:18:53.126
And people walk away from that and then it's self-fulfilling.

00:18:53.842 --> 00:18:54.352
Absolutely.

00:18:54.382 --> 00:18:55.041
Well done.

00:18:55.041 --> 00:18:55.912
Yeah, absolutely.

00:18:55.912 --> 00:19:00.142
Cuz then if I'm villainizing everyone, people aren't gonna wanna be around me.

00:19:00.142 --> 00:19:02.451
And then I'm saying now the world is really bad.

00:19:02.642 --> 00:19:04.136
I see what I told myself.

00:19:04.446 --> 00:19:05.136
I was right.

00:19:05.136 --> 00:19:06.156
The world is bad.

00:19:06.207 --> 00:19:06.301
Yeah.

00:19:06.471 --> 00:19:16.967
And it is this self-fulfilling prophecy when you're in that and talk about being angry and saying no, and I think this is part of it is where you start to realize that's where they're at and that's okay.

00:19:16.967 --> 00:19:18.592
That's where they're at.

00:19:19.192 --> 00:19:29.751
But that ability for yourself to go, that doesn't mean I have to go down that path with them because then you start to get angry because then it goes back to almost like expectations.

00:19:29.751 --> 00:19:30.801
I want them to change.

00:19:30.801 --> 00:19:31.491
They can't change.

00:19:31.521 --> 00:19:37.587
And you don't have to join that and say for entrepreneurs, a lot of times we take clients on like this knowing their annoying.

00:19:37.738 --> 00:19:42.030
like specifically, and then we, the whole experience is terrible.

00:19:42.036 --> 00:19:44.941
We get angry at them, we're never gonna do this again.

00:19:44.945 --> 00:19:50.431
And then we attract the same kind of client because we knew in the first place, this was not a good energy for us.

00:19:50.851 --> 00:19:51.750
Absolutely.

00:19:51.750 --> 00:20:01.326
And I would argue that for entrepreneurs, we don't have a ton of capital so We have to be really judicious about how we spend our time and energy.

00:20:01.326 --> 00:20:03.695
And so angers our signal.

00:20:03.935 --> 00:20:05.316
Okay, I'm feeling angry.

00:20:05.316 --> 00:20:06.935
I have a no for that person.

00:20:06.935 --> 00:20:08.526
I have a yes for this client.

00:20:08.855 --> 00:20:11.826
I have a no for that meeting, a yes for this one.

00:20:12.395 --> 00:20:17.476
So it's this constant loop of awareness, if you will, tuning into what do I want?

00:20:17.476 --> 00:20:19.965
What wants to happen, what am I present to?

00:20:20.445 --> 00:20:22.165
And anger's our friend.

00:20:22.681 --> 00:20:30.810
But because we have such bad behavior, we associate anger with bad behavior and that need, that wiring has gotta stop.

00:20:31.270 --> 00:20:34.395
We can be angry and say it respectfully.

00:20:34.615 --> 00:20:37.942
I had a issue with my wifi a couple weeks ago, and it's been chronic.

00:20:38.571 --> 00:20:41.567
and I was talking to the woman and I said, look, I I feel really angry.

00:20:41.576 --> 00:20:43.527
I wanna let you know I'm not angry with you.

00:20:43.527 --> 00:20:45.656
You're providing with me with great service.

00:20:45.866 --> 00:20:49.497
I feel angry that my wifi has been chronically intermittent.

00:20:49.646 --> 00:20:52.376
So I wanna make sure I really appreciate the help you're given to me.

00:20:52.382 --> 00:20:57.507
So if my tone reflects probably my anger, but I wanna let you know you're doing a great job.

00:20:57.507 --> 00:20:58.467
She's like, thank you so much.

00:20:58.467 --> 00:20:59.457
I really appreciate you saying.

00:21:00.596 --> 00:21:04.436
So it's like I, instead of the company's bad, you are awful.

00:21:04.436 --> 00:21:09.846
This service, it's no, I feel angry and I'm allowed to feel angry, but I don't wanna take it out on someone.

00:21:10.686 --> 00:21:15.957
Oh, thank you for saying that, when you're angry or I have noticed, or, and I've been there too.

00:21:17.692 --> 00:21:21.267
at times is that anger has you catastrophize things.

00:21:21.267 --> 00:21:25.547
Because again, it's not the situation, suddenly it's the whole company.

00:21:25.846 --> 00:21:32.727
Suddenly, like the perfect example to me is when you hear people going, I'm having the worst day, they had a bad five minutes.

00:21:32.727 --> 00:21:33.866
I'm having the worst day ever.

00:21:33.916 --> 00:21:36.797
The whole day is shot and I swear it was five minutes.

00:21:36.797 --> 00:21:39.430
You could start over, you could do anything different.

00:21:39.430 --> 00:21:45.035
How do you learn when you've been told most of your life, don't get angry, it's not okay.

00:21:45.454 --> 00:21:52.832
Or you're a b if you are, or like to start to give yourself permission to do something so opposite.

00:21:53.176 --> 00:21:57.126
This is the most powerful question of today, of this time together.

00:21:58.116 --> 00:22:01.146
I put my health at stake if I don't emote.

00:22:02.196 --> 00:22:04.297
We know this scientifically.

00:22:04.297 --> 00:22:12.277
When we repress our emotions, we affect our immune system and are resilience drops physiological.

00:22:13.237 --> 00:22:19.957
So I give myself permission and if people get uncomfortable, that's none of my business, but then I stay present to that.

00:22:21.067 --> 00:22:27.092
But when you're in harmony with your emotions, especially anger, then I say, you're probably noticing my tone.

00:22:27.422 --> 00:22:28.652
So it's not you.

00:22:28.652 --> 00:22:30.511
I feel angry about the internet.

00:22:30.511 --> 00:22:34.751
So then that helps deflate other people getting upset.

00:22:35.842 --> 00:22:39.432
But it's life-threatening when we don't feel our emotions.

00:22:39.432 --> 00:22:50.142
This is part of the mental health crisis that exists right now, and I'll say once you learn the skill, emotions and anger is no big deal, then when you're current, it's look, I feel angry.

00:22:50.146 --> 00:22:50.561
You know what?

00:22:50.561 --> 00:22:51.372
I need to stop.

00:22:51.372 --> 00:22:52.571
I need to grab a bite to eat.

00:22:52.576 --> 00:22:53.902
Or, I feel angry.

00:22:53.902 --> 00:22:55.821
I have a no for taking this client.

00:22:55.821 --> 00:23:01.432
So then I can just stay, present, breathe, and then communicate to that person in a way that's in alignment, respectful.

00:23:01.821 --> 00:23:03.352
And course with my brand.

00:23:04.672 --> 00:23:10.626
So I'm on a mission to have people feel their emotions and it's the world's catching up to it now.

00:23:10.626 --> 00:23:15.336
The studies are clear, the science is clear, and it's starting to become more mainstream.

00:23:15.417 --> 00:23:16.827
And it wasn't for a long time.

00:23:16.827 --> 00:23:27.928
And yet I feel and maybe it's me and maybe it's some sort of still lack side of me, but I feel like there's people who still, they're not getting the memo.

00:23:27.978 --> 00:23:34.998
and I say that in a way that I feel for them because it could be easier as somebody who's gone from.

00:23:35.682 --> 00:23:38.863
Past drama Mama be set off for weeks.

00:23:38.863 --> 00:23:48.346
Could you imagine all the conversations in my head and when I started to work on, mindset and trying to realize I'm responsible for me.

00:23:48.476 --> 00:23:53.935
Which is a lot of what this is, learning how to become responsible for you and your own emotions and how you react to things.

00:23:54.760 --> 00:23:59.174
I think they call it adulting in the millennial world we didn't have that really cool word adulting.

00:23:59.539 --> 00:24:02.835
But I think that's what that is.

00:24:02.894 --> 00:24:08.980
And I feel for those who are angry for the sake of being angry, because they think that's the only way they're gonna change anything.

00:24:09.490 --> 00:24:11.559
And I don't know if that's the course anymore.

00:24:12.220 --> 00:24:12.640
Yeah.

00:24:12.690 --> 00:24:17.430
If I'm not in harmony with my emotions and particularly my anger, then I'm gonna go to drama.

00:24:17.490 --> 00:24:20.990
The drama triangle, I'm gonna play victim, villain, and even sometimes hero.

00:24:21.079 --> 00:24:25.009
So then I'll attract people who are committed to drama.

00:24:25.279 --> 00:24:29.930
If I get outta drama and can be present to my emotions, I'll attract people who are present.

00:24:29.930 --> 00:24:35.525
So look, It's a little bit like I'll attract and repel people who are stuck in drama.

00:24:35.674 --> 00:24:44.045
They really don't wanna be around me because I can come into harmony with my anger and not go into and not go into villain, and that's okay with me.

00:24:44.045 --> 00:24:50.944
I'm not gonna make it good, bad, right, wrong, but just by me giving myself permission to emote, I'm healthier.

00:24:51.484 --> 00:24:53.615
I feel more peace, ease and freedom.

00:24:53.615 --> 00:24:55.295
I'm more present with myself.

00:24:55.295 --> 00:24:58.144
I can be more present with whoever's across from.

00:24:59.325 --> 00:25:00.724
and I'm outta my mental chatter.

00:25:00.724 --> 00:25:03.454
And look, it's just a much more delightful way to live.

00:25:03.454 --> 00:25:15.015
It gets intense sometimes, but the whole covid thing happened and yeah, it was intense and I had some personal things with that too, but I felt really peaceful and easeful because every day I was like, what am I feeling now?

00:25:15.019 --> 00:25:17.444
And able to incorporate that into my existence.

00:25:18.224 --> 00:25:19.545
And how do you wanna live?

00:25:21.029 --> 00:25:23.789
And you'll attract people with where you wanna exist.

00:25:23.789 --> 00:25:27.450
If you're committed to drama, you'll attract people who are committed to drama.

00:25:27.454 --> 00:25:31.619
If you're committed to presence, you'll attract people who are committed to presence.

00:25:31.619 --> 00:25:33.119
It's not good, bad, right, wrong.

00:25:33.130 --> 00:25:36.200
I'd rather live a more peaceful existence.

00:25:36.390 --> 00:25:39.849
And let's throw in, again, to bring it back to entrepreneurs.

00:25:40.299 --> 00:25:41.410
I've got a lot on my plate.

00:25:41.410 --> 00:25:42.380
I'm a solopreneur.

00:25:43.105 --> 00:25:44.154
I love what I do in the world.

00:25:44.154 --> 00:25:45.505
I wanna keep my focus there.

00:25:45.954 --> 00:25:46.255
Yeah.

00:25:46.355 --> 00:25:47.765
I love that word, drama mama.

00:25:47.765 --> 00:25:53.970
It's so funny that you're saying that because I really do believe this I have single friends and I'm always like you'll attract where you're at, where are you?

00:25:53.970 --> 00:25:58.069
We talk about that in relationship world with attracting, a partner.

00:25:58.759 --> 00:26:06.494
But we don't always talk about that in the business world, in our personal lives, everywhere that energy attracts energy no matter where it is.

00:26:07.244 --> 00:26:08.384
Absolutely.

00:26:08.434 --> 00:26:11.605
And do it for yourself because that's who you wanna be in the world.

00:26:11.825 --> 00:26:13.565
Regardless of anyone else.

00:26:13.595 --> 00:26:29.279
And there's 7 billion plus people in the world, I noticed as I started to wake up and I would just start to, some people would drop off and some people would come into my life and I don't wanna, again, I don't wanna make a good bad, right, wrong, but it's we're all in this kind of path, this developmental path.

00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:35.380
And the more we wake up the more people who are awakened, also will wanna come on board with that.

00:26:36.220 --> 00:26:40.619
And it's all good, and I'm very rubber meets the road as you're getting to know me.

00:26:40.619 --> 00:26:44.730
It's a practice learning how to be with our emotions and particularly anger.

00:26:44.970 --> 00:26:45.869
It's a skill.

00:26:45.869 --> 00:26:49.839
So like I learned how to ride my bike and train for things.

00:26:50.369 --> 00:26:57.115
We're in training all the time with navigating our human condition, and particularly anger's a really tough one.

00:26:58.105 --> 00:26:59.575
Yeah, absolutely.

00:26:59.575 --> 00:27:03.684
And so I have one last question then we're gonna have to wrap up.

00:27:03.684 --> 00:27:13.279
But if somebody is realizing, because I have a true belief that most of us walk through life that this is just our normal and we don't know that there's not anything other than our normal.

00:27:13.279 --> 00:27:16.194
Or I've never seen my life in that light because I've never seen this.

00:27:16.244 --> 00:27:34.970
For me, I'm learning that it's more about, responding than reacting but how do we take the steps and use that to start setting those boundaries or start having effective action so that it stops limiting us and our capabilities.

00:27:35.250 --> 00:27:44.279
Great question because if we haven't been in touch with our anger for the majority of our life, we've been overriding what we want or we don't know what we want.

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:47.309
So first of all, I say start small.

00:27:47.315 --> 00:27:52.640
Start to recognize throughout your day when you're feeling angry, and what do you have a no for, et cetera.

00:27:53.180 --> 00:27:59.660
Then the other thing I recommend that people do if they've overridden their anger, is to start journaling about what do I want?

00:27:59.960 --> 00:28:04.250
Because basically if you've overrode your anger, then you haven't been in tune with what you want.

00:28:05.059 --> 00:28:11.869
So there are situations where people really have a life that they don't want and are very angry about that.

00:28:11.869 --> 00:28:16.160
So I prefer not to do a violent release of that so to speak.

00:28:16.164 --> 00:28:23.150
So stay neutral to what you're doing to support yourself and then ease into what do you want, and to experiment with that over time.

00:28:24.019 --> 00:28:26.210
And your anger will be a signal to that.

00:28:27.230 --> 00:28:36.440
But in the very, very practical, mundane of the day, it's every moment, just like when you're feeling angry, what do I have a no for?

00:28:36.440 --> 00:28:37.670
What do I disagree with?

00:28:38.150 --> 00:28:39.470
Where am I not feeling met?

00:28:39.470 --> 00:28:40.170
What do Iwant?

00:28:41.315 --> 00:28:41.974
I love that.

00:28:42.434 --> 00:28:52.988
And actually that's so funny cuz I recorded a podcast earlier and we were discussing when you're coming from trauma backgrounds the what do I want is just the opposite because it's so foreign to us.

00:28:53.087 --> 00:28:57.077
Depending on where you come from to even see something different.

00:28:57.077 --> 00:28:59.357
Or know that there is something different to want.

00:28:59.357 --> 00:29:00.913
And sometimes it's I don't want that.

00:29:00.917 --> 00:29:02.113
So what would be the opposite?

00:29:02.113 --> 00:29:03.343
And keeping it that simple.

00:29:04.212 --> 00:29:07.843
Yes, answer that one more I'll say it might be, I don't know what I want.

00:29:08.093 --> 00:29:10.403
So how can I learn about what I want?

00:29:10.623 --> 00:29:11.403
That's perfect.

00:29:11.653 --> 00:29:14.472
I think sometimes when we go, oh, I need to make these changes.

00:29:14.472 --> 00:29:19.272
We think they need to be so grandiose and all at once, and that's not the case.

00:29:19.272 --> 00:29:26.323
Simple steps can really change a moment or a day becoming consistent in these simple steps.

00:29:26.593 --> 00:29:28.212
It has been a pleasure to have you on.

00:29:28.212 --> 00:29:30.682
I know you have an offer, so I want you to tell everybody.

00:29:30.732 --> 00:29:31.792
Yeah, thank you.

00:29:31.792 --> 00:29:32.573
I appreciate that.

00:29:32.577 --> 00:29:36.413
And if you're interested and there's a whole bunch of skills that I teach.

00:29:36.413 --> 00:29:43.313
Emotional intelligence is one of them, but presence, how to speak and listen all consciously and with more awareness.

00:29:43.553 --> 00:29:51.472
So I have a book, it's called Evolution Revolution, which you can buy on Amazon, and I launched a course@consciousleadership.online.

00:29:51.782 --> 00:29:55.833
Where you can buy a course that I offered and there'll be more offerings coming there.

00:29:55.833 --> 00:30:01.857
And you can come to my website@abigailsta.com and buy my book, it's a skills book.

00:30:01.857 --> 00:30:05.758
You can start practicing right away or by the self-study course online.

00:30:05.758 --> 00:30:08.728
It'll walk you through how to learn these skills.

00:30:09.347 --> 00:30:10.788
Thank you so much.

00:30:10.788 --> 00:30:14.147
It has been an absolute pleasure having you on the show today.

00:30:14.147 --> 00:30:14.597
Thank you.

00:30:14.958 --> 00:30:15.587
No, thank you.

00:30:15.587 --> 00:30:16.877
And I thank you for having me.

00:30:16.883 --> 00:30:18.917
I always learned something, so these are so amazing.

00:30:18.917 --> 00:30:19.607
So thank you.

00:30:19.968 --> 00:30:20.448
Thank you.

00:30:20.627 --> 00:30:28.048
If you'd like the show and want to hear more shows like this about self-care in different areas, please don't forget to hit that subscribe button.

00:30:28.107 --> 00:30:31.137
Have a great day, and until next time, be abundant.
Abigail Stason Profile Photo

Integrative Leader/Organizational Consultant/Group Facilitator

More Master Teacher than coach, Abby is a social activist and skill builder with 20+ years of professional experience as an Integrative Leader, Organizational Consultant, and Group Facilitator. She is a thought leader and facilitator of embodiment - she “practices what she preaches”. As a disrupter, Abby is committed to a new social awareness in favor of exposing outdated structures that are no longer of service, giving way to the experience of peace, freedom, and truth in the world. In short, she helps human beings, leaders, teams, and organizations wake up by equipping them with behavioral practices for a modern world.