Dec. 14, 2022
Abigail Stason - How To Navigate Anger
Are you a female entrepreneur raised believing it was wrong to feel angry? Do you know anger is an emotion that helps us evolve and mature?
This week on the Wellness and Wealth podcast, Abigail (Abby) Stason addresses why anger is a tough emotion for female entrepreneurs. She’ll also share about seeing anger as a resistance energy from not standing up for ourselves.
In this episode, Abigail (Abby) Stason answers the following questions:
- What is anger?
- How does anger affect our daily lives and business?
- What is the difference between anger and resentment?
- What is the first step to using anger as a source of resilience and effective action?
Guest Offer: Anger can be a source of resilience and fuel for effective action
Guest Link: https://abigailstason.com/blog/how-to-navigate-anger-through-presence
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Transcript
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Hi everyone.
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My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast.
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I'm so happy to have you find us.
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And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it.
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This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business.
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So sit back, relax.
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And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you.
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Have a great day.
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Stay blessed.
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And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much.
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Hi everyone, we have another great show for you and I'm so excited that you're here to listen.
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Today we have Abigail Abby, but we'll be calling her Abby Stason on with us, and we'll be talking about how to navigate anger.
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We will read Abby's, bio and then we'll get started.
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So, Abby's more master teacher than a coach.
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She is a social activist and skill builder.
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With 20 plus years of professional experience as an integrative leader, organizational consultant, and group facilitator.
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She is a thoughts leader and facilitator of embodiment.
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She practices what she preaches as a disruptor.
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Abby is committed to a new social awareness in favor of exposing outdated structures that are no longer of service, giving away to the experience of peace, freedom, and truth in the world.
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In short, she helps human beings, leaders, teams, and organizations wake up by equipping them with behavioral practices for a modern world.
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So welcome, Abby.
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Thanks for being with us today.
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Thank you for having me.
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And that's spot on.
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That's what I'm up to.
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that it reflected to me, I thought, yeah, that's me.
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Don't you love that when you write something and you're like, oh, that's pretty good.
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That is what I do.
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That's so great.
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Thank you.
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Yeah.
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I get that all lot too.
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Sometimes I'm like, oh, I need to put this together.
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And I'm like, oh, I already wrote that.
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That's pretty good.
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I don't have to do that.
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It's already done.
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It's wonderful.
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We met through LinkedIn so the listeners know I meet a lot of our guests through LinkedIn.
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I read Their bios and, look at what you do and because the show is on self-care, and you had asked me to take a look at your blogs for a topic and I was like, anger.
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That's a great topic to talk about because, it's hard to go through all of your life and not get a little angry anywhere.
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And then you add on stressors and pressures and suddenly sometimes you're getting angry and you don't wanna be angry.
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And you're like, why is this happening?
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And so we're gonna talk about that today, which I think is fantastic.
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I always love to ask my guests what is your definition of the topic?
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Because everybody has their own definitions of the word and what it relates to within themselves, their own life.
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So what's your definition of anger?
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Yeah.
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Thank you for that.
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And I appreciate you picking out this topic cuz I actually offered an idea for you, but you said, how about anger?
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And I thought, yeah, that's even better.
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Great idea.
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So for me, let's back up for a second.
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The first thing about emotions is to know where you're feeling when you're feeling it.
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So emotions start in our body and usually in sectors of our body.
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And then from there we have messages with that.
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So with anger, the way I define anger is an energy, it's resistance, energy.
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And it usually shows up in our head, neck, particularly in our jaw.
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And then sometimes people's faces will get very red.
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And sometimes women cover up their anger with tears.
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So for me, anger is an energy that's resistance energy.
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It starts in our body, head, neck, shoulders, tight, jaw, sometimes a red face, and it's resistance energy.
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That's interesting that you say that because I am a big believer that most things happen to us physically.
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Or we take them on physically.
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Either they happen biologically, physically, or we take them on as a physical component to what is happening to us.
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So for that idea of anger, and then I like that you also said this, that sometimes it comes along in tears and we're like, why are we crying?
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This doesn't make any sense.
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And I think anger is one of those emotions that we're not, especially as women, I hate to say, women are not supposed to be angry.
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We're seen as lots of different things or we must have our friend, or there's all sorts of things that come along with when a woman in particularly is angry.
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Yes.
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And so that's why women covered up with tears, because women, if we're angry, then we're a witch with a B, then we get accused of all this and let's back up too, like you said, I'm appreciating what you said early on is that, with so much going on in the world, we're gonna be angry, and that's okay.
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It's how we channel that anger.
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But what's remarkable to me is that I'll ask people, when was the last time you felt angry.
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And I'll have people say to me, oh, I never get angry.
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So it's unrealistic.
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There's so much baggage around anger.
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So anger's actually just energy to come into harmony with and to utilize in a productive.
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Yeah.
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And,
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And I think there is so much baggage with anger and I think there's a loads of topics out there, by the way, that we just don't discuss.
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It's either impolite or we're not supposed to feel that way, money's a topic that nobody's ever supposed to discuss.
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There's so many topics out there.
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We're we'll say let's not talk about that.
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God forbid we find out we're not alone And anger is one of those things where you start to think, there's something wrong with me because I'm feeling this way.
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Yeah.
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This is the social societal and cultural conditioning about emotions in general.
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Emotions are don't emote.
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There's no crying in baseball Is the infamous line?
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It's necessary that we are coming to harmony with our emotions and we actually feel our emotions.
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The studies are clear that emotional ventilation is an absolute non-negotiable for resilience from a biochemical, biological, physiological aspect.
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Also, with a, and bringing it to anger, which is a really important topic.
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Anger's one of the toughest ones for people to navigate Now.
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The context we're talking about is entrepreneurs and female entrepreneurs.
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Anger is a boundary.
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Anger helps me with boundaries.
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So the signal with anger is what do I have a no for?
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What do I disagree with or how am I not feeling met?
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So you wanna have boundaries as a female, as a human being, first of all.
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But then as a female entrepreneur, you wanna have boundaries and use that anger to say no to this or yes to that.
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Absolutely, and I like that you say that's boundary and which I'm so skipping ahead, but we're gonna just do this anyway.
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Because you bring up a good point, which for me, when you talk about boundaries and I think that sometimes maybe all people, but certainly women will get to that point of anger because they haven't set the boundaries up in the first.
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Bingo.
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And I knew I was gonna love this conversation.
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Love it.
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And I love that as a conversation.
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So if I'm not in touch with my anger, Then I'm not in touch with my boundaries.
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But then yes, what happens is it builds and builds, and then the cork pops, and then we have this disproportionate response.
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And then as a woman it's oh, there she goes again.
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So for females, but this is true for a lot of people and look, this is so prevalent now.
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You can go, I'm gonna bring it up.
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You might feel angry or wanna smack me.
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So the infamous the slap at the Oscars.
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What is that?
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Chris Rock says something, he gets angry.
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He goes up and smacks him.
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Air rage incidences have gone up 3000%.
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Some outrageous number like that cuz everyone's angry.
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And then even President Biden, he was at a podium and had a hot mic.
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and there was a reporter asking him a question, and the question was irrelevant.
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Instead of President Biden saying, I'm not gonna take that question on a hot mic, he got caught saying, what a stupid son of a bee.
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And we're all human, but we're not understanding I feel angry.
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I have a request.
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Please don't do that.
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Right.
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And I think that's what ends up happening is it's past this boiling point.
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And as you're talking about these incidences.
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I have a degree in criminal justice, which is so funny cuz, I decided to not be a cop as soon as I was two weeks away from graduation.
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But that's a whole other story for another time.
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But the, some of the psychology that I learned from that And you would think it's common sense, but people don't realize it in the summer, all crimes go up.
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Why?
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Because everybody's outside, they're hot, they're irritated, and suddenly they're acting out.
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Because they're not asking what they need and you're ready to attack somebody suddenly.
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Yeah.
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Great.
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What a great example.
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Thank you.
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Because they're angry because it's really hot out and they don't want it to be hot, so they take it out on each other.
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So today there's actually rage rooms that are on like primetime TV I watched Billions, the show anyway, and one of the characters went to a rage room where she dresses in safety gear and takes a sledge to take her anger out on things.
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So instead of this phenomenon of anger displacement where I take my anger and put it onto others, or I bottle it up to this disproportionate response, I can come into harmony with that.
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So that's the societal thing, but let's bring it back to a female entrepreneur.
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It's important that as a female, as an entrepreneur and as a human being, you have access to anger.
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Okay, I feel angry.
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What do I want?
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What am I disagreeing with and how can I do that in a way that's civil and respectful and mostly self-respecting?
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And that brings to the question, how does anger affect an entrepreneur in their daily lives?
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Some of the things I first think of is suddenly I'm angry.
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I don't like my client.
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Suddenly I'm angry, I'm resenting.
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Which brings me to that question of what's the difference between a resentment and an anger?
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But I'm resenting at this point, the boundaries I haven't really set up.
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I can see how that would affect that way.
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Exactly.
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So let's say, this is where if we don't, we aren't in tune with our anger.
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We override our No.
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So anger's a signal that I have a no for something or I disagree with something.
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So if I keep, having a client that I have a no to, and I take that client, I'm gonna feel angry and then the resentment starts and I continue to feel angry because I'm out of alignment.
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Whenever we're out of alignment, we feel angry.
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So that's a signal to how am I out of alignment?
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How can I come back into alignment?
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And I also wanna say too, it's also so simple, it's 1145 in the morning.
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I'm starting to feel angry cuz I have back to back meetings and I haven't had lunch.
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You've heard the term hangry?
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So it's that simple.
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What we're talking about is simple, but not easy.
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There's so much baggage about anger.
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It's okay, I feel angry.
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What do I want?
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What do I disagree with?
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What do I have a no for?
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And then, Hey, Abby, I don't wanna do that right now.
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Would you consider doing this?
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Or, I don't have the capacity to do that right now.
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I don't wanna go out tonight.
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I'd rather work out, or, I'm really feeling angry.
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I don't wanna sign with this client.
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These are all the moment to moment signals to come into harmony with, and that adds to the toughest part is, When we feel angry and something's happening, but we can't change it.
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So for instance, the pandemic.
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I don't want the pandemic.
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I felt anger when it came on.
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Then we have to learn how to be in this disagreement and channel that anger in a productive way.
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So I recommend people make sure they work out cuz anger's resistance, energy or for an entrepreneur, how can you channel that to do more for your business?
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Take that energy, put it to work towards something in your business.
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Yeah, and it's so interesting that you're talking about this with the pandemic, because that's what I was thinking about.
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I think there has to be an understanding which.
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As for me, I'm part control freak for sure.
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I know this about me.
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And so when I start to get angry the most is because I think that I need to a put myself somewhere that I don't need to be involved in.
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And then you are not doing what I want.
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And so I think there's something, between getting angry over those things that we can control and change, which is usually everything about ourselves as opposed to those external things.
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Like we were talking about the heat before, where we cannot control and learning in general, that's one of the things we don't know what we can and can't control, and then we start trying to over control and then we get angrier because somebody's not doing something we want them to do.
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Yeah.
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Well done on that one.
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So that's the Olympics of navigating anger, that somebody's doing something that we want them to be different and we can't change them.
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So then we get very angry and that's where drama then starts.
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Then we get into fights and drama and I'll go back to what I said earlier we have to be emotionally fluent.
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The studies are clear on this, and what's exciting about the time we live in is that we know a lot more about the biology and neuroscience and how that affects and impacts our behavior.
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And so if we're not in harmony and letting our emotional energy flow, we know that it affects our immune system and we know our resilience will drop.
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We know this, so people have had trauma.
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The more they can emote and not repress their emotions, they recover from the trauma faster.
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We just know that so anger's part of that coming into harmony with our anger will up our overall resistance.
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And I did wanna go back to that question of this too is, I grew up with understanding the word resentment more than anger.
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Anger seemed so short termed and resentment to me felt something more long term.
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For lack of a better way of describing it.
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And that's the other thing is I don't know if we know what we can control and what we can't.
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And then I also think that we may have an onus of okay, this is short term.
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I don't have to carry this for six months.
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We don't know what we're carrying anymore.
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And I think, especially some of the behavior, I hate to say this, when I'm out and about and I see some of the behavior and I'm.
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Whew.
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I feel like I go up, wanna go up and hug people and say although it's not okay after the pandemic, as it once was, and be like, yeah, you're really not angry about that right now.
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I know you think that this is this, but this is not this.
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Yeah.
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Resentment to me is a built up experience.
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You're right.
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I applaud what you're saying and agree wholeheartedly.
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So if I'm not current on any of my experiences and this one happens to be about anger, then it gets bottled up.
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Then I'm not clean and clear.
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So I make sure that every night I'm clean and clear and current with my emotions.
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It doesn't mean they end, especially anger.
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So resentment is that I haven't stood for myself.
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It's a boundary.
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So then I'm gonna start, then we say we resent others when really we resent ourselves because we didn't stand for ourselves.
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But we take it out on other people.
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I'm glad you brought that up cuz see how this is just, we're having.
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Pretty rich discourse about anger when really it just should be, I feel angry today.
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What's my, no, what do I disagree with and move on.
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But see how it's a rich discussion cuz people just think anger's bad, or I can't resent others, or this, that and the other thing.
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And it's just anger's just another form of energy.
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And this idea of cleaning, clearing it.
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Talk more about that at night, because I think that you're right.
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Because we hold onto to stuff maybe it's me.
00:15:42.798 --> 00:15:51.057
It could be me, but I've had moments where you walk away and you're like 20 minutes later you're still having that conversation and if I would've said, I call myself a recovering drama mama.
00:15:51.057 --> 00:16:05.246
I don't do this anymore, but at one time, especially in my youth, I'd walk away for three weeks and I'd be like, next time I see them, and I'm like, Really like they, they have moved on and I'm still wrapped with it in my head.
00:16:05.246 --> 00:16:07.677
And I think that's what you're talking about is this idea.
00:16:07.677 --> 00:16:16.586
So this idea of being able to clean and clear it so that you don't bring it in to the next day and the next experience is really ideally where we need to be.
00:16:16.586 --> 00:16:17.986
But, so talk more about that.
00:16:18.037 --> 00:16:25.096
This is really relevant because if one of the main reasons we go into our thought stream is because we have an emotion and don't wanna feel it.
00:16:26.057 --> 00:16:32.236
So a lot of it has to do with coming into harmony with our bodies and what's happening in our bodies.
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