Feb. 11, 2023
Gloria Lee - Your Most Important Relationship
Are you a female entrepreneur who struggles in personal relationships? Do you wonder if you will ever get a relationship with the most important person in your life?
On this episode of Valentine’s Day of the Wellness and Wealth podcast, Dr. Gloria Lee addresses the most important person in your world. She’ll also share how taking a week off of work a month can improve this relationship.
In this episode, Dr. Gloria Lee answers the following questions:
- Who is your most important relationship with?
- As someone who works in the mental health field, how do you practice self-care?
- When it comes to female entrepreneurship, what are the signs that the relationship with yourself is lacking?
- What is one step that someone can take today to make a small improvement in creating the relationship they want with themselves?
Offer: One Simple Solution to Effectively Improve Your Communication
Link: https://drglorialee-leadpage-quiz.lpages.co/couple-quiz-landing-page
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Transcript
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Hi everyone.
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My name's Wendy Manganaro and I am the Host of the Wellness and Wealth podcast.
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I'm so happy to have you find us.
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And if you could take a moment and hit that subscribe button, I'd really appreciate it.
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This is the podcast where we believe when you show up better for yourself as a woman business owner, you show up better for your business.
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So sit back, relax.
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And learn from the practical to the woo-hoo, how to best take care of you.
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Have a great day.
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Stay blessed.
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And leave a review when you're done listening to the show, thanks so much.
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Hi everyone, Our topic today is your most important relationship and joining us is Dr.
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Gloria Lee and I'm going to reader bio and then we'll get right into it.
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Dr.
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Gloria Lee is a psychologist, clinical director at Brentwood Counseling Center, Amazon bestselling and award-winning author, professor, and counseling psychology clinical supervisor.
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And trainer for therapist and graduate students sought after speaker, consultant, and advocate for social justice and mental health for over 24 years.
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Dr.
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Lee has been an authority on relationships and personal development.
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She has worked with thousands of individuals, couples, families, and organizations in approving improving their relational and mental health.
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Dr.
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Lee.
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Passionate about all things, relationships and beliefs, that healthy relationships contribute to healthy people in mind, body and spirit, in healthy societies.
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So welcome.
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Thank you for doing the show with me today.
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Oh, thank you for having me.
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Such an honor.
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Yeah.
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I'm so excited.
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The audience is gonna hear this we had talked, and actually this will air right around Valentine's Day cuz we're talking about relationships and so I know that it's almost Valentine's Day, so what people think we're talking about and what we're gonna talk about it is a little twist.
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I think this is really super important because even if we weren't talking about entrepreneurs, healthy relationships start with this relationship.
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So, the question is, who is your most important relationship with?
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Well, drum roll please, your most important relationship is with yourself.
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Okay.
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It's with yourself because you are the one who has to live with yourself for the rest of your life.
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And your relationship with yourself dictates how you do everything in life, how you do all your relationships with family, friends, colleagues, clients, how you function at work.
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So you can either keep going for the long game or the alternative is overextend yourself and burnout over time.
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It also impacts how you serve your clients, both as a role model and also as an entrepreneur.
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So I believe that it is imperative that we take care of ourselves first and nurture this relationship with ourselves.
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One thing I wanna say about our relationship with ourselves, when women in particular hear this, they often think, oh, that's very selfish, taking care of yourself.
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I would like to off the bat, let everyone know that self-care and your relationship with yourself is never selfish.
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In fact, is the most selfless thing you could do.
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Because when we nurture ourselves and take good care of ourselves, we become the best versions of ourselves, and we are therefore better for everyone else around us.
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So in a nutshell, that's our most important relatationship.
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I'm so glad you said the difference between self-care and selfishness because I think for many women, including myself that was a hard lesson for me to learn.
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Things from saying no to, to no, I need some time, or whatever that is, that whatever my self-care looks like, depending on where I'm at in my life or anybody else.
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It's a really hard thing because I think we've been taught our whole lives to not be selfish.
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Yeah.
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And honestly, this is, a societal thing that females in particular are taught to be selfless and to serve everyone else around us, but we never have this kind of conversation with men And so, there is that double standard unfortunately.
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And I think this is about re-educating ourselves to know that, wait a minute, there's something really off here.
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And when I work with women in particular, when we are not taking care of ourselves.
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We're actually not very fun to be around and we negatively impact the people around us, so it's not a bad thing at all.
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And I want us to start shifting our mindset and know that, hey, we've all drank the Kool-Aid and now we're figuring out the consequences of why.
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That if we don't have this relationship with ourselves and really take care of ourselves, we pay for it and everyone else around us pay for it, and our business pays for it as well.
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I can't agree more with that.
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So let me ask you this, when it comes to self-care and you mentioned others around us start to realize when we're not in self-care because of how we're acting and reacting.
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What are some of those signs.
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Because I know if I haven't, even eating, my son will be like, oh, have you eaten today?
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Because all of a sudden, not as nice as I usually am if I've, taken a time to even do something as simple as eating during the day.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And so I think you've brought up such a good point that so much of our day, especially as an entrepreneur, is, towards serving other people.
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We turn outward to serve other people, and oftentimes we forget to turn inward to serve ourselves and to know what's happening.
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So if I was to say, what are some of the key signs to look for that you're.
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Taking care of yourself or having that relationship with yourself.
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Now, you don't have to have all of these signs, but I want you to just really pay attention to the signs that I'm gonna be telling you and note to yourself how many and which ones apply to you.
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Okay?
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So it could include things like, you start feeling anxious about things that you never were anxious about before.
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You start feeling more irritable or short with other people.
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You start doubting your abilities that, oh, I'm not good enough for this.
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Or you start getting an imposter syndrome, you can start overeating or oversleeping like mindlessly, overeating, sleeping, what much more than you usually do, yet still feeling tired when you wake up, you could start, feeling a lack of motivation, lack of energy.
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Some people feel apathetic, that they stop caring about things that they used to care about.
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And you might stop doing activities that you used to, you might start isolating yourself more.
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Missing deadlines at work or missing important meetings, being forgetful, missing work with more sick days.
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That's another sign.
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You'll find that you may be fighting a little bit more with people at work or at home, like with your partner with your kids.
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May be also more numbing tendencies, and what I mean by this, you may be like vegging out more in front of the screen, drinking or using substances more procrastinating.
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So it's all part of your body and your mind telling you it's too much.
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I'm not taking care of myself.
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And here are some, SureTel signs to slow down and take inventory of what's going on.
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So I'm just curious as, and as you're talking about this, because I think it leads to that question.
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In your professional opinion, what you've seen has the pandemic made this worse or better for people to take care of themselves?
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Way worse, I would say, because during the pandemic there's number one, the pandemic itself, the uncertainties of it, especially at the beginning when we were anxious about it, we didn't know anything about it, and everyone was a little paranoid.
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You're walking down the street and someone comes to towards you and you'll cross the street just in case, right?
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We're wiping down all our foods.
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We're, isolating ourselves.
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We're not allowed out.
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whatever that was there prior to the pandemic.
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The pandemic exasperated and amplified.
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So I would say in my practice, if I saw people with anxiety, depression, burnout, or, um, other symptoms, in a given year, it would be so condensed that I would see, cases like this every week instead of every month.
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Let's say.
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And do you think that now, and cuz I've, I feel like we went from the pandemic to half of the society going, let's go back to normal.
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Like it never ever happened to that extent of speed and go.
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And then the other half is I don't ever want to go back to that normal.
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It has caused some people to shelter and stay sheltered, and I know there's a balance in between, but I see this polarizing viewpoint to the point of and they're still not taking care of themselves in that polarizing viewpoint.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And for those of us who thinks, let's go back to normal and let's do everything again, our normal has changed.
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It'll never be the same again, and for a long time it won't be the same.
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Everything has changed.
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There's things that we need to talk about, like even the workplace now.
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A lot of workplaces have a hybrid model, for example, and people got so used to working from home, they're not, wanting to go into the office anymore and.
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they've come to realize that we don't like the toxic environment at work, for example, and we wanna stay home more, or for some, the work-life balance and therefore all the people who are, quitting their jobs, the great resignation.
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And so it is affecting us, like it or not, and some who have been isolated for a long time, they're still suffer.
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And for those who are trying to get back to normal, it's actually not quite normal.
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And not only that, but there's this thing called ambiguous loss or ambiguous grief where there's so much lost during this time that we can't put a finger on it, but we all feel it collectively because it happened to all of us.
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Not only loss of human lives, but also loss of our freedom of a sense of safety, of knowingness, of being together.
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So many losses that I can talk about.
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Loss of homes for some people cuz they couldn't keep their jobs.
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They had to take care of loved ones or they lost loved ones, kids being at home instead of school.
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So being socially isolated and really struggling, so many losses that we actually have to look at and take account of and grieve through and process through it so that we can have some sort of, of normalcy again, instead of just brushing aside that none of this happened and we're going back to normal now.
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And all of those things that you talked about, dealing with loss and coming back to what our new quote unquote normal is, and within that still learning what self-care looks like, as you're talking about, because you're saying like, To brush it off means that we're not paying attention to how we feel or what we think.
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And so, I would assume would be part of the self-care is learning how to deal with that without brushing it off.
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Absolutely.
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And I think Wendy going back to the self-care part during the pandemic, most of us all the women that I've worked with anyway, have overextended ourselves, taking care of everyone else and trying to take care of ourselves and still working and taking care of our kids are now, who are now home, and especially young kids where you have to do schooling with and there's no act after school activities anymore.
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So you gotta do that and work on top of that and everything else.
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And trying to take care of yourself at the same time, because we're going through it ourselves as well.
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But something's gotta give over time.
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And I find that there's almost like this delayed grief reaction or delayed, burnout almost, that now that things are back to normal, we could breathe a little, but we're not okay.
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And we don't notice that.
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So I actually have, a lot of clients these days who come, who's talking about, I just feel this kind of blah feeling.
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I can't shake it.
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I don't know what's happening.
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And I don't know.
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And when we talk about what happened during the pandemic, then they realize, oh my gosh, wow I didn't take care of myself.
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I forgot about myself throughout this time.
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And I was just go, go, go, go, go.
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And still feeling anxious and uncertain like everybody else, but almost ignoring that because we had to be on, we still had to keep going.
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And this is for females in particular that I found this is happening more with.
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I could completely understand that.
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So, I'm interested too, in what you do because, and I think as a whole, mental health, anybody who's worked in mental health, medical field, like how do you take care of yourself because that, I'm sure during the pandemic, like you said, everybody's going through it at the same time, and I feel like the medical world in general, anybody who deals with mental health or medical, health and wellness really probably you still need to take care of you as you're really, that's your job is that you're taking care of others.
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I mean, that's literally your job.
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Yes.
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And so for me, self-care was a must during the pandemic in particular, I did some extra work taking care of first responders.
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So, doctors, nurses, people on the frontline, paramedics, whoever, and they were burning out, they were not okay.
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They had to hold it in and suck it up and still go to work.
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And they were scared cuz they didn't know what was going on with the pandemic, especially the first few months.
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And they thought when they went to work they might catch covid and never see their families again.
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And they had no one to debrief this with yet.
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They had to hold a brave face and still enter into the workforce.
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So for me to not on top of everyone else that I was working with to care for people in the mental health field and in the health field in general.
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I had to take care of myself cuz I knew that in order to serve others, I had to really turn inward, daily and serve myself first.
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So this is what I do and I did and I still do every day.
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This is what I called the three A's.
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So I just wanted to give all the listeners this.
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So the three A's are this attune, attach and a attend.
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So attune, attach, attend.
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I'll go through each one with you.
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So attune.
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So tune into yourself every day.
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I do this three times a day.
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First thing in the morning, I pair it with my meal.
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So it makes it easy like a habit.
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I tune into myself and I notice what's happening in my body right now.
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What's happening to me?
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How am I feeling right now?
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Okay.
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I might have had a tired morning because I was just on the go and didn't have a chance to take inventory and rest.
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I could be having a lot of energy just because I've been helping a lot of people.
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So just really noticing what's happening.
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That's the tuning part.
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And then the next one, the attach to ask yourself, how am I actually doing?
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And what am I feeling right now?
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We often ask other people this, but we forget to ask ourselves this question, so how am I doing?
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What am I feeling?
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Am I okay?
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Okay.
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And the last question is to attend, to make sure that you're actually taking care of your own needs as well.
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So after asking myself, how am I doing?
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How am I feeling?
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If I'm like, just tired I gave it my all this morning and I don't have much left.
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What do I need to do for myself right now to fill my bucket again?
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And it might be as simple as go.
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Take a walk around the block during your lunch hour, do some stretches, deep breathing, or remind yourself that you deserve to have a break tonight or when you get home.
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Don't do anything.
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Go do something fun.
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So whatever it is, those are the three things I've always, done for myself.
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Attune, attach and attend.
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I teach all my clients this and it really is a simple little practice that we can do every day and it doesn't take much time.
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Oh, I love it.
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And it is simple.
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And I like that you do it at mealtimes too, because it slows down you eating.
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So, can we talk us a second about giving yourself permission to actually do that?
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Because I think that's part of it, I love that what you're saying to do, but I think sometimes we get stuck on giving ourself permission to be able to do it.
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Yes.
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And I
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think before we even do those three a's it's really about changing our mindset.
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Our mindset that I allow myself permission to do this, that I can have fun, I can relax, and I could do these things and not feel bad about it because remember to take care of myself, my relationship with myself, that's good business because I'm taking care of my most important asset of my company, which is me.
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And so I must do this for my clients, for all the people that I serve.
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For all the people who depend on me.
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If I'm not good, I'm not good for anyone else.
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So this is really about changing our mindset, permission giving.
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I even have people put on post-it notes, what I'm giving myself permission for today, so it could be I give myself permission to be tired.
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I give myself permission to slow down a bit Today, I give myself permission to have my favorite cup of coffee and just do nothing for 15 minutes.
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But by having those physical reminders, those visual reminders to tell us that, oh, I forgot to do this, and I could do that right now, that's the permission giving and that is absolutely essential before we even go through the three A's.
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I like that you said to even put physical reminders, and I had Theresa Maples on the show who created focus cards essentially they're for self-care They are not attached to a phone or an app.
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The way that she does it, and I think that's what you're saying is like sometimes it's okay to shut off.
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It's okay to physically do nothing.
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And I think for women, we find that hard and we go, when the baby's asleep between phone calls, this is the only time I have to do it.
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And we just keep running.
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So for you, for those who are in a space where, that's great, but how do I do that in my day if you've seen my day?
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And there's that idea of I don't really love the idea of time management.
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It's not something as far as like managing time.
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But I think that is the mindset itself is we don't have enough time to do it?
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Is that a mindset issue or do you think that it's a time issue?
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When I don't take care of myself, it's because I'm not making the time, but that's me.
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And most of us will use that I'm just gonna say it.
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I think most of us use that as an excuse.
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Because we make time for what's important to us.
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If we have time to surf the net, we have time to take care of ourselves.
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And what I suggested only takes a few minutes, maybe even seconds, 30 seconds.
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If you wanna do a quick version of it.
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And so it's really changing your mindset, permission giving that it's okay for me to do this.
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I see it like you are treating this person yourself as if you are talking to your best friend or to your child that you have enough time to check in with them and say to them, how's your day?
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How are you doing?
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Are you okay?
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You don't look Okay.
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What can I do for you?
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We will do that in a heartbeat.
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It doesn't take, that took me what, five seconds to say all that?
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It doesn't take much time.
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That's what we're doing with ourselves.
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Just checking in for 30 seconds and that's it.
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And if you're busy juggling five different things at the same time, you could actually do that in your mind.
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No one know that.
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You'll be talking to yourself.
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You could be doing this in the middle of the meeting right now, even as we're talking and to check in.
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How am I doing?
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And if it's, you know what?
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I'm really tired, but I'm gonna hang in there for this meeting.
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Take a deep breath.
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Okay.
00:19:57.944 --> 00:19:58.724
I'll be okay.
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I'll be okay.
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You see, I just attended to my needs right now and that took all of 30 seconds.
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That's it.
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So it's really about changing our mindset and permission giving that this is okay.
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But I also wanna, give us maybe one practical solution as well, because for a lot of women who are entrepreneurs, we juggle many different roles and we have different hats on.
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So one thing I would say is, To create definitive boundaries.
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Definitive boundaries between work and home.
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Having dedicated workspace that after I leave, let's say my home office here, may it be the kitchen table or the countertop or a room.
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I leave it for the day and that's it.
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