Nov. 5, 2022
Ann Visser - Healthy Business - Thriving Marriage
Are you a female entrepreneur wondering if it’s possible to have a healthy business and thriving marriage? Would you like to be able to communicate with your spouse or partner about your business instead of asking permission to do your business?
This week on the Wellness and Wealth podcast, Ann Visser of 4Better 4Ever Inc shares various tools and methods to grow your relationship while growing your business. In addition, this episode will cover how men live in shame and women live in fear and how to use communication tools to overcome these feelings.
In this episode, Ann Visser answers the following questions:
- What is a close relationship?
- What is the difference between the idea of getting married and staying married?
- What input do you need from your spouse regarding your business?
- How do you set boundaries with your family when you are in business?
- How do you learn to respond instead of reacting to your spouse?
Guest Offer: Discover 7 secrets to communicate and connect better in a way that brings you closer in your marriage. Start your free 7-day mini-email course now.
Guest Link: https://www.4better4ever.com/7secrets
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Connect with Wendy Manganaro:
Transcript
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Hi everyone.
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This is Wendy from wellness and wealth.
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And welcome to our first weekend edition.
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Of our podcast.
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We're so excited.
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This was the new idea I had for season two was to have a midweek and a weekend edition because self-care, is that important?
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And of course it is not selfish.
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So if you are a business owner and you'd like to show up better for your business, remember that this is the show that helps you practice self care from the practical to the woo-hoo.
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Enjoy your show.
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Today is all about healthy relationships and marriage while building a business, which I think if you are even In a relationship of any sort, being an entrepreneur and having a relationship is quite the feat because there's a lot of plates in the air.
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Our guest is Ann Viser.
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And Ann is a co-founder of For Better Forever and a certified John Maxwell coach, speaker, and trainer.
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For over 20 years, she's been empowering and equipping individuals and organizations to help them.
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To step more into what God has for them by equipping them to communicate in a way that aligns with their values.
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She has been married to her high school sweetheart for 41 years where they farm on a beautiful Prince Edward Island.
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They have five married children and 11 grandchildren, which is amazing, and welcome to the show.
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Thank you so much, Wendy.
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It's a pleasure to be here with you and it's a pleasure to meet you and to be here on the Wellness and Wealth Podcast.
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So I really thank you for this invitation.
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You are so welcome.
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And I forgot to tell you I was an Ann of the Green Gables fan growing up.
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I've read every one of the books.
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It was my favorite, other than Judy Bloom my favorite to read.
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And so when I saw Prince Edward Island, I said, I've gotta look that up.
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That sounds really familiar.
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And I realized, I know that's a fictitious one that they have in the island, the actual name of the town, Avanlonia.
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But I was like, Oh, I know I've heard of that before.
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Yes, I call myself the other Anne
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Oh, I love that.
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I love that.
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Anyway, I loved her, the character cuz she was so spunky and I was like, Oh I like that.
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So I read all of her books cuz I related well with the spunk.
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So if you are a spunky person and have not read this series, even if you're an adult, I recommend highly to go read them.
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That is not why we're here today though, but so it's great to be on air with you and we're gonna get into it because I know for me, I've had my business for over 13 years.
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I've been in business for myself and relationships and businesses, can be challenging when you're married and getting everybody on the same page.
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What do you consider a close relationship between couples?
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Because I think that's one of the things is like people start businesses or women start businesses at different phases of their life, right?
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Some of them start when they are already in a relationship.
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I did, my husband was like, You wanna what you wanna.
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You wanna what?
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You have a paycheck every week, so you know, there's that phase.
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You have to know your husband well, or there's the phase of, you're dating, you get married, and somebody comes into the business.
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And so closeness is different at different times of a relationship..
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So what do you consider a close relationship between couples?
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It is so different at different stages, even of a marriage without a business, and then you add business to the mix.
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Absolutely.
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So I love this question because I think a close, healthy.
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Relationship is really all about a deep, rich connection in the word that, that's my goal for my marriage, is that deep, rich connection.
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So I believe it starts with knowing your, knowing each other.
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It's mutual knowing, knowing what are your heart's desires, what are your dreams and then understanding each other's past too.
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Because we react a lot out of our past and what we do with that past matters.
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And, but then it's building a trust with each other that I trust you with my heart.
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and I'm able to share what I need.
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I don't expect you to meet all my needs, and I don't expect to have to meet all of your needs either.
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But I'm certainly going to care about those needs and I'm gonna make an effort to meet some of those needs.
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And then it's about that growing mutual commitment for each other that we're in this together, we're a team.
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And I hear so many women saying, I just wanna feel like we're a team.
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And so it's not just about that I do that we say on a wedding day, but it's, I do.
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And I will every day.
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I am gonna care.
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About you, and I'm gonna value you.
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I'm gonna value your thoughts, your feelings, your wants.
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And so then it's about two people becoming one and working together and in marriage or in a committed relationship that culminates with that beautiful union of bodies.
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Of course.
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And that, what's interesting is I was listening to something and they were talking about this very thing that you mentioned.
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They said, it's easy to get into a relationship then staying in one, which I think is a whole other realm.
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They were saying, the I do vows, the regular vows that we hear is very subjective of conditions, right?
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But staying is really staying regardless of the condition.
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Yes, and I really truly believe, Wendy, with all my heart, that in the staying and going through the hard things, we get to the really good stuff and if we don't stay, we will start over again with somebody else.
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And we will run into that again because the heart stuff partly comes from my stuff.
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And partly comes from his stuff.
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And we're gonna butt heads again and I'm still gonna have to deal with my stuff.
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Somewhere along the way, I need to face myself and deal with my own heart and whatever is going on inside of me, that is creating some of it is my stuff and whatever is creating the difficulties and the challenges.
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If I stay long enough and work through that hard stuff, we can get to the other side.
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Now, I'm not talking about destructive marriage.
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A destructive marriage is soul destroying.
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It sucks the life out of you.
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I am not talking about that, but I'm talking about where there's difficulties or where there's situations where, some couples go through so many hard things.
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Everybody goes through hard things, but then there's hard and then there's harder infertility really hard.
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A child dying really hard.
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Some things just really stress, like financial destruction can be really hard.
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A man losing his job is very hard on a man.
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And so some of these things can be really hard on a marriage.
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And learning some skills and going within and getting support along the way can really help us through those hard things, help us understand ourselves better and help us move forward together.
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And we can be stronger than.
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We move through those hard things.
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I agree.
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And I do think that there's a difference between a destructive, unhealthy marriage too.
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So yes we're not talking about the critical extreme cases of marriage where it's a safety issue to leave.
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But going through the hard stuff to get to the other side.
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And I feel like a novice being married compared to your 41 years, but I've been married for almost 20, and, I never thought I could have a son and I ended up getting pregnant, which is a miracle in itself.
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But going through that hard thing and having that discussion even before you're married.
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I think that's a lot of this is communication is, and it's a really interesting thing because the other thing that you said earlier was this idea of knowing that person is not going to meet all of your needs.
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But still being thoughtful enough to be able to meet some of them.
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I think that's a really key thing in relationships, because not everybody can be anybody's, everything.
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I think that's some sort of maturity that marriages go through when you realize that
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I think you're right and we figure out along the way what is possible, what needs are possible to be met and what needs are not based on, our differences and personalities and one person needs more conversation.
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Maybe he's not a conversationalist, so maybe she has to get some words out with someone else so that she gets that bucket filled.
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Absolutely.
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That's funny cuz I can't remember when my mother had me read men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
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And I remember that saying that men like to go into a cave after work and women don't, but if you know these things, then your expectations change.
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When it comes to business and I see this because of what I do for a living, and this does not come from a place of judgment, but I feel like sometimes when women own businesses, they still put too much onus into asking their husbands what they can do in their business, which I have found can be very detrimental to the marriage and to the business.
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In my experience, it takes away a woman's power.
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But I'd love to hear your feedback on that, because I'm sure that there are many women who fall, even if it's not real, but they fall back on that.
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It's almost like the, Let me ask your father when you're parenting a child, it's the same thing.
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I have to say Wendy, I don't know of any other.
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Personal growth program that really stretches you then, like building a business, honestly.
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And with every stage of business, I've had to think of myself in a different way and see myself in a different way.
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So first I was a coach, then I grew into being, okay I'm an entrepreneur, I own a business.
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But then I realized, no.
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I'm a ceo, I need to build this business.
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I'm responsible to make it happen and to lead the people that are under me.
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And so we have to see ourselves differently.
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So I hear you that a spouse that feels like she has to run to her partner for every business decision can create challenges.
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Here's why I was thinking about it.
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So we both own a business, my husband and I was thinking about it from both perspectives.
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So if a decision that I make or a decision that he makes, takes time or money or energy away from our connection because it, I believe it's all about connection.
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Then we talk about that and.
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Whether it's his business or my business, we talk about so this is gonna take time, money, and energy away from us.
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How are we gonna connect in a different way?
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For example, like he has these really busy seasons, and I do too.
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I pump up my business a little bit more when he's having his busy seasons, cuz he's not around anyway, so I get to spend more time on my business, which I love doing what I do.
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And so that doesn't impact our relationship.
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There are other times when he's really busy and or I'm really busy and we're taking time, I'm taking time away from our connection.
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And so then we make decisions in how we're gonna connect on the weekend.
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So we're gonna block off this.
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And we're gonna spend some time together.
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I love day dates.
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I love to get outside.
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I love to walk outside.
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And so we're gonna take some time and we're gonna get alone and we're gonna have some conversation.
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And so I think it's good to think about how do we continue to nurture connection regardless of the decisions that we're making so that the decisions work for both of us as we continue to both build our businesses.
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I think it's really respectful to keep each other in the know of the business and what's happening.
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I know the old way was everything's secret, and particularly if it was a man, you don't tell her how you're building your business, and she doesn't have any input into the business.
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That doesn't happen.
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That doesn't happen here because what he does impacts me.
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Now.
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At the same time, he's also partners with other people, and I have to be aware of that.
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It's not just his business that he's building.
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It belongs to other people too.
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I really believe also that it's important to understand each other's differences when we communicate So I see those challenges as possibilities or opportunities to grow, but they also create vulnerabilities in the relationship.
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So I think it's important to be able to understand where a man is coming from and where a woman is coming from in the midst of communicating.
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Those opportunities, challenges and possibilities.
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And so according to Dr.
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Steven STAs and Pat Love, this is fascinating, Wendy, They say that men live on the edge of shame and women live on the edge of fear of being alone.
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So It's not about shame from his past.
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It's about shame from a failing at work.
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The shame of not being able to communicate what it is that he really needs or what it is that he really wants, or the shame of failing to be able to fix something.
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Men love to fix.
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They get a great shot of testosterone.
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Or the FA like feeling like they're failing to really being able to.
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I just wanna help her.
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For women, it's about the fear of being alone.
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So feeling like she's alone in bed, feeling like she's alone in caring for the children, or that she's the one that does all the thinking.
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I'm alone in this marriage.
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I hear so many women say, I wanna be a team.
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I wanna feel like we're, I'm a part of a team.
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I don't wanna be alone.
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And When we're on the edge of that fear, and for men's shame, it doesn't take much to push us over that edge.
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Now, according to Dr.
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John Gottman, he talks about the four horsemen, and when he talks about that, he said Women tend to be more critical and contempt contemptuous.
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Now I see that.
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I see that in the men and women that I work with, women tend to be more critical and more contemptuous that can set a man over the edge.
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Like for instance, I used to be hyper sensitive about my husband's driving and would be saying, You're driving too fast.
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You're just going too fast, slow.
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And he received that as criticism and immediately he would either speed up, which did not help my fear or he would ignore me, which also is pulling away and creating distance, which does not help my fear either the day that I said to him, I don't feel safe with you in the car when we're driving this fast on icy roads.
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He immediately slowed down and I looked at him like, This is not the way we do this conversation.
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What just happened here?
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because he changed the dance, he changed the steps in the dance, but because I communicated differently with him in what I needed and how I was feeling, he heard me that day and that didn't set him over the edge of shame.
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He heard me.
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He actually stepped into what I was feeling with compassion.
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And he immediately responded in such a better way.
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And so that's what we can do for each other.
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When we understand that shame, fear dynamic, it tends to trigger us into disagreements and arguments.
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So if he pulls away from me, I immediately move into that fear.
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It's fascinating, Wendy.
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I tell my couples, when you're watching tv, look for that fear, shame dynamic.
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We do not understand that shame I have.
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Studied this so long and I still look at my husband and say, was that shame right there?
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Is that what he experienced right there?
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Because it's not on our radar.
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Why would a man feel shame when we would try to help him?
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You can't make that call today.
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You have to make it Thursday.
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No, he feels inadequate.
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and so understanding this dynamic can help a woman and a man to communicate more effectively, to help bring about that compassionate conversation into their communication.
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And so I think it can truly help a woman and a man to have those business conversations in a better way so they can make better decisions.
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Sometimes together, sometimes separately.
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It depends on how much that investment of time, money, and energy is, I believe.
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I like that what you're talking about, the fear versus the shame So my, husband years ago was a recruiter and he used to call people steady Eddies.
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My husband is one of those steady eddies he likes his job.
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We could not be more opposite.
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I'm like, I can't ever see me going back.
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It ain't happening.
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As female entrepreneurs, if you don't have a husband who has the same drive to go out and do their own thing.
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If there is any threat, and that's what you're talking about.
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I think that is something cultural and I think instinctual.
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The reason why I think he's is I need to provide, this is how I know how to do this.
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This is how I feel comfortable doing this.
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And when that's threatened, I can see that.
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But I think that's good to be able to notice where they're coming from a different point than where you are coming from because then that helps that communication as opposed to you just being on opposite ends of one living and this is the only way and the other person living, and this is the only way too and.
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When you start to notice like, Oh what is this?
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Like for my husband, if not being able to provide would be a big deal, like a huge deal.
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That's just who he is.
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And for me, I'm more like, okay, my, my onus is, my business is important, my family's important.
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It makes total sense though.
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When you look at relationships in a dynamic is yes, you want to be able to communicate with them, but you also want to have your own independence.
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And when I talk to some of my girlfriends they're always amazed by my husband's, because he's gone a lot.
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He's actually on his way home from he was in Washington state and driving home right now from across the country.
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And there's those times where you need to know that you're comfortable and you can communicate away from each other and together.
00:17:47.753 --> 00:17:55.223
That's why we work, cuz we can do together and independent and still know that nothing is gonna fall apart when we're like that.
00:17:55.614 --> 00:18:04.372
And I think Sometimes what happens is that women or and men feel like if they're not a mesh then it's not healthy or not the norm.
00:18:04.422 --> 00:18:04.662
Yeah.
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And every marriage has to figure out how much space their marriage can handle before they come together again.
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And every marriage is a little bit different.
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Some people can work together all the time and it works great and it works for them and they spend a lot of time together.
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And other people, they like their truckers and they're gone for long periods of time or, but they can make it work too.
00:18:26.916 --> 00:18:46.227
Every couple decides, especially in the first several years, how much space works for them and how much closeness they need in order to feel that connection and part of that comes from that commitment that they make, that they know that, hey, we're in this together, whether we're together or not, we're still together, and that brings a great deal of security to the relationship.
00:18:47.017 --> 00:18:50.557
And so when couples are figuring that out, it's important to.
00:18:51.981 --> 00:18:55.561
I think give us the freedom as couples to understand together.
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We work it out together.
00:18:56.609 --> 00:18:58.527
We, we flesh it out together.
00:18:58.916 --> 00:19:00.717
This is too much space for me.
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I need more connection.
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Or this is too much aloneness for me.
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I need to be together a little bit more and then figure it out.
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How to make it work.
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This is one of the reasons why I guard our weekends.
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I do not take too much on, on the weekends because we're busy through the week.
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We're busy and the.
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Week nights.
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And so I guard at least one day where we can have some time together.
00:19:24.394 --> 00:19:31.064
And even with our kids, I, we need to have some time, just the two of us to reconnect and just to catch up on each
00:19:31.064 --> 00:19:31.663
other's week.
00:19:32.384 --> 00:19:36.502
Yeah I agree that, when my husband is in town we have our time.
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I think that's a really key thing.
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I didn't understand until actually years into my marriage how important date nights because you need that time together.
00:19:43.829 --> 00:19:51.435
So for new female entrepreneurs, I wanna know this is because I remember when I first started my business, God loved my husband.
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